nj in wonderland

The Little Things

2012-01-24T18:04:00.000-06:00

Those things he loved that I would never do for him...
I do them for you now, but you'll never know because you don't notice them
because you don't realise that I'm there- just an outstretched hand away...
waiting for you to pull me in with just a little thing you think I haven't yet noticed.

I cherish the golden nuggets you send my way,
hoping beyond hope that you're dishing them in hopes that I'd be able to take the hint...
I do... if you do...
I will... if you will...

The Prisoner

2012-01-08T22:27:00.003-06:00

“Bitch,” he smirked as I pressed my cold hand to my newest bruise. My cheek burned, even my tears couldn’t stop the fire his hand had created.

“They had better pay the ransom,” I know it would be better if I didn’t answer or suffer worse beatings. He thinks they’ll pay but I know better. My brother once said, just after our parents’ passing, that no matter how much a ransom was the hostage would never survive: “So why waste valuable money?”

So I sit on an old wooden chair with my ankles tied to the rickety legs, my hand on my cheek trying to soothe the inflamed skin, my tears streaming, my hair messed, my lip swollen and cut and my mouth shut, knowing no ransom would be paid. I will never make it home alive.

I know what you’re thinking right now: “Don’t give up hope.” But how can I have hope now if I never had any going into this.

“Who is this sadistic bastard? Is he some small time crook who saw an opportunity?” What would a small time criminal want with a trust-fund-baby, well twenty-something? Nope, not small time, he planned out the attack, just like you see on TV. But he miscalculated one thing: Big brother could care less about always-get-your-ass-in-some-sort-of-trouble-little-sister (his words not mine).

So you see there never was any point for hope.

I can feel the effects of the last dosage of drugs wearing off. I hear the sound of his footsteps echoing in the distance. Alone ...again.

---

I hate how time just stands still and rushes by all at once. What I am trying to say is: How long have I been here now? It feels like years, but he hasn’t been back yet.

A few hours ago my captor had me sit in front of a video camera, holding today’s newspaper. I had to state the date and time clearly, apparently this is how you force money out of stingy rich people; you barter for it with someone’s life.

I was on camera and for the first time in my life I was told not to fix my hair or to add another coat of gloss.

---

He’d said he’d give them 48 hours but I see his patience wearing thin. I really couldn’t guarantee he’d get the money so I didn’t try begging for him to let me go because I had nothing he wanted.

Veterans In Arms

2011-10-30T22:10:00.000-05:00

You lost me,
You lost me the minute
you found out where I am from.
I could see it in your eyes...
Fear.

Fear of my roots.
You fear the "who" of decades past,
Not the person I am today,
or the places I'll head to tomorrow?

You judge me for a past,
A past that was not mine
...to control.

The events that we've all
but forgotten have led me
to this moment in time,
It is helping me to cross a
threshold of a door you've
closed on me once too often.

Our Time Is NOW.

Beauty Isn't Just Skin Deep

2011-10-06T22:59:00.000-05:00

Some girls are Beautiful but don't know it...

I am not one of them...
No matter how many times you tell me I am...
Some days I don't, But most days I am not...
It's just the way it goes...
I can carry on about it all day long, But you don't deserve that...
So I won't

This Doom’s Day Cookie is trying to find a Silver Lining in the Hornets’ Nest with a Ring & Time…

2011-09-13T08:26:00.000-05:00

I wonder:

If a silver lining was tangible enough could it kill a werewolf?

If a girl really kicked over a Hornets’ nest would she run screaming or just stand & wait as the hornets took their revenge on her? Would she become their genetically engineered Queen?

If I made ends meet, would it then become a circle, a loop, a habit, could I then break the cycle when he puts the band on my finger?

If time stood still, would you be standing beside me, smiling?

hey!!!

2011-09-07T20:37:00.000-05:00

hey, not sure if there is anyone out there reading anything i've uploaded to this blog, but if there is anyone: do you like what you've read? would you like me to change anything? feedback is always the best learning tool, so please help a sister out, even if you have to tell me i suck & will never amount to anything because i truly can't write to save my life... just do it! ask me questions if you want to pass some valuable time by, i will answer as best i can (but i still don't know why the chicken crossed the road- it could just have bee a very suicidal chicken for all we know)
leave me some comments please
nj (in wonderland with the cheshire cat- pics to come for those who don't believe me)
♥

Pen Provided by LetterBox

2011-09-07T20:19:00.000-05:00

I don’t mean it’s stupid it is just my aggression needing an outlet.

Downcast my eyes usually are: whether from fear or to shield from your blinding wisdom, they now smoulder with a defiance you’ll soon come to hate.

I’m a pushover no more, I’ve dug in my heels, prepared my best defences & I’ve braced myself for the fierce winds.

There’s no to need to jump ship or to get out of Dodge, just baton down the hatches & watch as Hurricane NJ comes rolling in…

Large Hazelnut Coffee Plz.

2011-09-06T22:14:00.001-05:00

What’s with this whole ‘Dependency on stuffed animals’ deal? Have we become so impersonal with actual human contact that we now force ourselves to create meaningful relationships with a Duffy Doll or a Pooh Bear or a Thomas the Tank Engine? It was cute when we were 2 or 5 but at 25 shouldn’t we be focusing on making life-long friends?

That doll will never be the one. He can’t put his arms around you & hug you & tell you “it’ll all be ok” & kiss you so intensely that it makes you toes tingle or brings you flowers “just because”.

So why are we putting up walls & wasting time?

Chai

2011-08-29T18:30:00.000-05:00

There is Art all around us,
sometimes we're just too blind to see.

There is music everywhere,
it's in the clatter of a heart as it breaks into a million pieces.

Yet the pain forces us to remember we're still alive,
while it & our mistakes remind us that we're still human.

This taste is bittersweet,
but the blood on my tongue just adds the right amount of seasoning to the regret & all your fucked up excuses.

Hold On To Hold Out!

2011-08-01T20:06:00.001-05:00

Question: Why haven't I told those whom I love all about you yet? Why haven't I told them about your eyes? Or about your smile? Or about how much you love me? Why haven't I told them about how it sounds when you whisper my name? Or how it feels when you touch that part of me?
~~(I think)~~ I know it is because I love them. You just couldn't understand... Please leave. I know I'll stop feeling lonely when you're no longer around. I know I'll stop flinching when I hear your footsteps from afar, or feel your breath on my neck.
When I close my eyes at night trying to find peace I instead find your sinister eyes gleaming back at me. I think I'd breathe easy without your stronghold.
Love should never be this painful. So Go!

Forever Falling

2011-07-22T11:46:00.001-05:00

i just realised that i haven't taken any pictures lately.
how sad life must be when you can't even try to capture the beauty around you.
actually life isn't sad (neither am i... not really), i've just been so lazy.
last november i took part in #Nanowrimo, a writing contest. i just received my proof copy of the book i had written. an idea has since been cemented in me: i don't want to be a writer to make a profit, but i would love to help other writers believe in the ideas & characters they've created. so i want to now become a proof reader. i think i've always known that that is what i would like to do, i just needed to say the words out loud.
so i want to write & take pictures for the love of it not for any other kind of gain.

i love this song to bits: Falling

2011-07-22T11:39:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace
It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Whoa-oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

This is a song for a scribbled-down name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled-down name
And my love keeps writing again and again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again
And again and again and again and again
_ Falling- Florence + the Machine

Jig-Saw Me

2011-07-10T19:37:00.001-05:00

My bones are like the left over jig-saw puzzle pieces
that you’re all trying to squish together
but they just don’t fit.

They’re missing the essential bits
to glue them in place, the balls & sockets
don’t join to create completion
they’re made of different materials that just don’t gel.

Words Flow Out Like Holograms

2011-07-03T21:11:00.000-05:00

my bones ache...
my toes freeze...
my smile is fixed...
& i am still a little happy
        ♥
im a fat girl pretending thin...
but success is not for me to win...
as im just a cog in the machine...
just a cog in the machine
         ♥
my heads a mess...
no longer a fuzz ball just too muddled for words...
                                                                        ♥
its done. its over with. my goodbyes were said, my tears unshed.
                         ♥
i laugh to keep the tears locked inside
i forget
i sing along til my voice is gone...
i believe in the power of song...
but most of all i believe in you
                  ♥
my head is spinning...
my throat is tight...
my smile was fixed...
good night

I love meeting new friends

2011-06-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

hi! Again

2011-05-08T19:17:00.000-05:00

can you believe ive almost been here a month now? it feels like a few short days... even though it feels like ive never left. it feels weird to have to find your feet from all over again & then to have to train them in which directions to move - left,right,right, left (no army formations for me please). there have been days where all i wanted was to walk maybe even the 500miles we sang about. there were even times i just wanted to sleep the day away. but each day i see as a day to have confidence in confidence alone if somehow i cant have any in me... im working on it okay. ive made new friends, its strange how i feel as though ive known them all for years & years & years, but that we've only just met.

so i wanna raise my glass of juice & propose a toast: To the Good times & the Bad that lay ahead of us all, lets always try to be the best we can be.

Happy Easter Egg Day

2011-04-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

went for a walk this morning... Florida is so beautiful in spring!

can't decide which to nom on first...

Do you think they'll be mad if i chomp at their heads?

the Easter Bunny came to visit... FINALLY!!!

The Clouds: Home Coming

2011-03-25T04:41:00.001-05:00

And then my voice cracked and we were laughing so hard that I had to brace myself in my seat. And before we knew what had hit us, the tears came streaming down.

Catch a Fallen Dream

2011-03-25T04:37:00.001-05:00

And it suddenly goes dark.

Wish... wish... wish... upon a star to guide you on to reach her.

Always just a breath away, always just too far for me to stray.
Sometimes i fear the loneliness she’s left behind. I think she’s the only medicine that will fix these crumpled hearts of ours.
Sometimes I fear the depression, but I still don’t know how to help either of us.
Nothing makes sense... but it all makes sense to me.

A dream is just a sequel to a nightmare.
My fears for her are valid as she flits through the constellations, as she leaves behind unanswered doubts and questions that whirl through my mind.
Through the dust we orbited some colourful Planetary rings and suddenly so suddenly we were struck with logic, forcing our feet to halt.

What if the dream we were chasing happened to reject us?

We got too close and she was always just out of reach.
I’d been chasing her for so long, planning our every conversation shared.

No words reached my lips when she whispered: “Your world will soon end,” she touches her thumb to my lip to calm my bubbling emotions, “My world will soon end,” she says louder now hoping (I think) to break this sleep-spell she’d cast on me. “Our world will soon end,” she says in that same way a bored school mistress would when knowing her student still hasn’t grasped the information she spews forth. “This world will soon end,” she says exuberantly as she hugs me to her and happiness brightening her dark eyes.

circumVent the boredom

2011-03-19T14:16:00.003-05:00

twitter wont let me tweet. my camera went on hiatus. no idea for any story i want to write comes to mind. And im trying not to stress. Im planning to update soon and i will pack soon... I promise

Hands off Prestwich

2011-03-04T07:37:00.000-06:00

The day started out solemn as we lay to rest a loved one. But before we could blink we were hurtling toward our final destination, searching hurriedly for vacant parking spots.

With a quick history lesson outside on the fan-walk we learnt of our ancestors... slaves. Behind us a building loomed ominously as it shadowed a coffee shop that had been placed strategically at the entrance to two ossuaries. The building’s excavation site was once a mass grave for slaves. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I didn’t even realise a place like this existed. I knew of the slaves, I just didn’t know how close to home a topic like slave burials could hit.

As we stood outside we couldn’t help but think of all the lost ones who once were buried where our feet now trod.

This place was just a big cemetery filled with boxes that contained our history, a lot of our culture and too much heartache. This place is now the final resting place for many of the remains that have been found since the inception of the memorial. This place is now filled with love for people we never knew but helped to make us who we are today.

It’s strange that you can live in a city for all of your life and not know much of its history... or that tourists know more about our city than we do... or even why the ‘klopse’ dress so colourfully.

We would like to thank the city of CT for allowing us to glimpse a bit of our past. And remember that if you are a ‘Van Der’ or a ‘February-March-April’ your ancestors were probably standing beneath a tree on a hot summer’s day being auctioned to the highest bidder, saying: “This is the stuff history is made of...”

Lost in Wonderland

2011-02-14T07:58:00.000-06:00

pics taken by Nj & edited by Linz

The Funnel Countdown

2011-02-14T05:12:00.001-06:00

“I’m sorry,” I utter as you pass me by,

The ghostly me trying not to cry,

Because days are drawing near for when

I’ll have to say goodbye.

We laughed together sitting side-by-side

Watching the sun fade before our eyes,

As the day draws near for when

I’ll have to say adios amigo, my dear.

Getting to know each other was (is) tough,

But the days are drawing near for when

I’ll say a fond farewell that is not enough.

Long-distance was never our thing

Never letting me hear you sing,

Now the days draw near for when

I’ll bring you a flower and you’ll whisper adieu at the hour

I’m a wreck to leave you behind-

Knowing I’ll be giving up on us.

Sadly the days are too few in number

And our goodbyes will soon be forgot from your mind.

My nerves are swirled,

Deep-fried cake batter dusted in confectioners’ sugar...

But i could never regret them.

I Believe (Part Deux) V-Day Edit

2011-02-14T04:10:00.000-06:00

I believe in Santa & his trusty steed Rudolph (who else could so deftly consume the hoards of cookies I leave out on Frabjous Day?)... i believe a single ant can carry 10-50 times its own weight... i believe that all it’ll take to turn a cloudy day around is for you to smile from within... i believe happiness is found... i believe happiness is created... i believe happiness is momentarily thrust upon us all (we just have to take it upon ourselves when the opportunity arises)... i believe the stars were placed in the sky for us to find our way back home... i believe in you... i believe sarcasm is a mechanism that helps to shield us from fire-breathers (take it from a sarcastic fire-breather who forgot to light the match)... i believe that we are all ‘pink on the inside’( so can we please stop all the fighting because of how different we are on the outside?)... i believe we are all unique for a reason.... i believe that there are reasons for everything (we just have to find the right questions to ask)... i believe that glass is half full... i believe the heart knows what it wants... i believe we have to learn to appreciate the small things in life (in order to accept the things that can knock us off our feet... i believe that a person can be both happy & sad- that you can smile as ‘the tears come streaming down you face’... i believe that making mistakes makes us human (i swear i am not an alien- i make too many mistakes to be one).... i believe music is a universal language that almost everyone wants to learn how to speak... i believe in fairy tales & their happy endings... i believe that not every happily ever after was meant as such (they just changed the outcome as the situation evolved)... i believe in you... i want to believe in me too.

Defeated

2011-01-21T07:11:00.001-06:00

Am I the cowardly Lion, wishing for a heart that once as mine before you locked it away and stole the key?

“There’s only one hopeful chord in this cacophony, and it’s this girl

I’m following.”

The streets are deserted as we three are released from our music filled hollow- Dorothy and her gang- our arms linked as fear begins to consume this journey.

I recognise your face in the dark and in a gasp realise we’re all just following the same sun-tinged brick road.

But what if Dorothy- on her journey holding hands with her gang, stopped to stare at the blinking stars guiding their way saw instead of the face of the man she sort but the brightest star that managed to utter a single word and left her blinded by the sun- could I the cowardly Lion guide her on?

I don’t mind that your dreams aren’t about me in your sleepful hour. The sky has opened up and we are again singing in the rain...

We’re singing in the rain. And it’s such a glorious feeling from my head right down to my toes. Because we’re so happy again...

My lungs stop their in and out movement as your lips press to mine but there is nothing to fear as you begin to breathe for me. your air pulsing through my blood filled veins, as we voyage ever more toward our journey’s end.

We’re no longer afraid. I am cowardly no more and he is genius when love fills our atmosphere as a witch is caged and a beauty whisked away in swirling air. We have nothing left to prove except that we’re no longer afraid.

Nj's Adventures in Wonderland

2011-01-14T16:40:00.000-06:00

this popsicle stand - Adventures in Wonderland

for nj from Linz

Its been a busy year for me... Will the new year follow this good trend or disappoint?

2010-12-22T23:36:00.002-06:00

So much has happenend in such a short year. 365 days, 12 months, 52 weeks, 8760 hours and so on and so on. this year has just been too short for words. but i'm short and to someone as short as me such a short time can seem very long.

my exploits have not all been captured on paper, they have not all been worthy for the interwebs and often i don't acknowledge them to myself, but they have all happenend.

i've had interviews from hell and job offers to boot. i've lost friends and gained loved ones. and in the processes of it all found out who i really am and that is who i really want to be.

i've had the honour of welcoming people and dignitaries to our great shores and experienced gratitude like no other. and learned that all it takes to make a day is a simple thank-you and a dash of a smile.

i've learned to be creative, to acknowledge the beauty all around us and tried to find beauty in creating art through many mediums and crafts.

i also had a small stint in a hospital (my brain is still intact, thank-you very much) the fear still persists, wrote a crap-tastic book (with a little too much smut for anybody's liking) the fear still exists, and got accepted for my dream job (sadly it is not at the coca-cola factory) the fear has me shaking in my boots, because it means i will soon have to leave behind these sunny shores and all the people on it to venture out and make a new home in a foreign place.

i treasure this year and all its happenings whether good, bad or ugly because it is leading me on an unfamiliar path that i want to be on.

so all thats left to say is: see you all on the flip side... Mickey your ears are mine!!!

Love NjinWonderland

my NaNo month

2010-12-03T07:31:00.004-06:00

NaNoWriMo

The rules (According to me)

• 50,000 words (+/-16667 words per day)

• 30 days (Begin 01/11 & End 30/11)

• Pick a genre

• And don’t stop writing

For the entire month of November I was participating in something called NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month which happens annually.

I took part on a whim. A few weeks before I had stopped writing because everything I was producing stopped making sense to me (I know... it never made sense to anyone before). So when someone sent me a link I immediately talked myself into it then talked some people into being my own cheering squad.

I went into it blindly, no plot no problem? Up until you can’t figure out if you’re writing a romance or a horror. The first week was exciting and I was confident, well as confident as a no talent writer can be. I had resigned myself to only writing whatever popped in my head, I refused to plan ahead and I foolishly wrote everything by hand until I had the time to sleepily type everything up again. The second week began successfully until I lost all hope in the middle of it all.

A bit of advice if you’re participating in a 50,000 word 30 day challenge: sleep is for the faint at heart and migraines caused from stress of being under target for the day is just a stupid excuse to sleep like the weakling you are. Well that’s what I kept telling myself over and over.
So during the second week everything went downhill for me (I know I suck). Now they say it will all clear up around the third week but and the fourth would be the home stretch and you’d be so excited that the finish was near that nothing could deter you from writing. None of that happened for me or it just all happened in reverse.
But lucky me, my end result just so happens to be 50,525 words in 30 days, how many people can say that they have done that as a no talent beginner writer thingy?

Here’s a little taste...

Claire spotted some art on the walls. Two abstract paintings and a landscape of an Italian villa and its surrounding area. And positioned above his desk was one of hers (one that wasn’t abstract at all). It was a self portrait in a way. It was the darkest piece of work she had managed in her young life, borne from her depressive state at not being able to prosper the way she felt she deserved to. Her red hair was muddied in the picture. She had worked painstakingly hard at that looking at her reflection in the cracked hand held mirror for far too long. The entire painting had a dark grey scale tinted effect to it and lacked a lot of colour except for a single blue tear that she had introduced at the last minute and a red sunflower that had been one of the inspiring things for the painting, although the flower had been yellow when she had seen it bloom.

Here’s another...

She braved the storm. “I met a boy when I was about eight. I think I fell in love with him. I dreamt about him for almost an eternity. Then about ten years later I came across him again, but he didn’t remember me. He was with another girl. They looked so happy, so comfortable together, holding hands and laughing at each other’s failed attempts at jokes,” Claire’s voice broke as a tear rolled down her face plopping into her wine glass. “I painted that with a broken heart, because I knew he could never love me and poured my soul out onto the canvass. Because he would never want me. As the years passed I learned to accept that he would never see me for the person I am. Now just six years later he tells me he sees into my soul after staring at a painting I did when I was young and naïve and in need of being wanted,” Claire faced Alex. “Wait, do you mean I somehow inspired that?” he asked smiling up at the painting.

Want more? No can do I have to edit and now is not the time for that. The time now is naptime
edit: The novel is called 'The Perfect Mistake That I'm Hoping You'll Make Right Now' and its a Romance

just a little update

2010-11-09T03:55:00.003-06:00

hey look who just so happens to be a #NaNoWriMo2010 participant.
welcome to day number 9 right now as my stats have shown i'll likely be an author of a completed novel by the 5th of December 2010. keep in mind this is a 30 day challenge that began on monday the 1st of November and will end on the 30th of Novemeber. i have so far gotten mixed reviews when i spilled the beans about this challenge.
here's the one that made me curse the loudest: "you read".
did i forget to mention that im a first timer and my genre is romance (i have no idea how to be romantic). oh and the novel word count is 50,000 words (yeah no exaggeration needed). my total for the past 8 days just so happens to be 13,114 no where near where i need to be but hey it all about the F.U.N right. even though i am not entirely sure that i will finish on or before the deadline, i already have plans to do this next year hopefully then i'll have a structured plot and a storyline that actually makes sense. but who ever knows with me right...

Edit: last night (17/11/2010) at around 23:16 to be exact (and we all know how much i dont líke to be) i managed to hit my personal word goal #25,000 words... however i only noticed at word #25,149. the true fml is that now i am not just 50 words behind where i expected to be but 4,500 words behind. heres to going strong... if i dont make it for 50,000 at least my personal was hit hard with a baseball bat.

The Lamppost

2010-09-17T08:32:00.000-05:00

I’ve been having those awful nightmares again, where I wake up screaming, kicking and fighting with people I don’t know. I don’t know why it started up again. My peaceful slumber has not been this badly disturbed since... The Lamppost.

I remember my back colliding with it. I remember him side-stepping me, to throw me off his scent. I remember my mind grappling with the instincts of fight or flight. I remember my mom waking me to try to calm my cries, I’d screamed again, waking her.

I got ready; a doctor’s appointment scheduled, he took one look at me and upped my dosage- the pain killers were never meant to numb my fears, just kill the pain creeping up my spine. He suggested sleep and I forgot how to argue, my dreams already calling to me to see the day replayed. My eyes are still dry and I’m still complacently numb.

The day started out young and dreary, the vacant streets longing to be trampled by school-goers and work seekers. I’d timed my departure precisely; my mom dawdled, trying in vain to find her other shoe. It was routine for us to leave together, to wait on opposite sides of the busy street for busses that never met but traversed to opposing area filled with people.

She was running late and I could not afford to do the same. I left the door unlocked, yelling a quick “have a good day” as I managed to shut the outside security gate. I walked swiftly and pinned the feeling in my tummy to a mixture of abrupt movement and oatmeal.

I realise now that the streets were too deserted, but I had somewhere to be and the earliness was beginning to play with my mind.

No-one was there when I arrived; that meant nothing to me at the time. I waited... not long, never too long before someone would arrive.

Just like clock-work a face appeared as though he’d followed me. He seemed nervous about something, yet confident in his step; I thought nothing of it.

I shifted backward slightly, so that he could safely step by me and he did just that... I guess it was an afterthought on his part to grab the handles of my hand bag. There really was nothing of value inside, I just simply could not let go. I pulled, he tugged; I tugged, he pulled... I just simply could not let go.

My throat started to hurt as his eyes grew larger, I don’t remember their colour just the fear the encased as my shouting grew louder and someone rushed closer to us.

He spotted the man, the one whose name I never asked but always smiled a ‘good morning’ to. Giving up all hope, my assailant discarded me and my handles and allowed gravity to slap me backwards (as with every game of tug-of-war)... into the lamppost.

The nameless man who always got my smiles spoke words I didn’t understand as a roaring approached my ears stopping in front of me, the bus driver knowing me all too well.

My tears rushed from the moment I sat in my seat on the rolling vehicle, only ceasing when I was tucked safely in bed two hours later. Only to dream and scream as the fear in his eyes loomed larger than the lamppost.

Foolhardy, Like You So In Love

2010-09-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

I never used to beg as a child. Now I’m on my knees asking you please, please, please, please. Instead you kill me with a smile and a ha ha ha.

“I’m here,” was all you had to say to chase away the monsters from below my bed. But instead you had me up against a wall with your hands around my neck.

Gestures got displaced- like denial of a sacrificial dream to unreach the stars and hide behind the moon to never have to see the light-of-day all over again.

“I’m leaving, I’ll see you in a minute,” I say as the fire licks at my feet and the heat envelopes me.

Too Much of a Good Thing is Just Right for Me

2010-09-02T06:03:00.002-05:00

I wanna write a song about a dream I had,

Where I felt as light as a ton of feathers when my heart was as heavy as a ton of bricks.
I wanna illustrate a comic strip
And make it mean everything to one person... And know that it was all worth the sixpence we shared.
I want to kiss in the rain And only come up for air when the snow coats my nose.

Can we blur the lines?
Bend the rules?
Fight the good fight?
For the love of nothing better to do?
Can we be happy as the tears stream from dark eyes?

I want to be able to say: I love you enough to let you go where your heart leads you but selfishly never let go. “If loving you is wrong I never want to be right”.
I want to walk on a rainbow and at its end find a pot of gold full of ‘I love you- love Scott’s.
I’m falling out of love with a dream
And i don’t want to fight the feeling.
You stole my heart and I handed you my soul.

The Humble Bumblebee

2010-08-31T13:43:00.001-05:00

I’d recently seen the movie ‘Evita’ again for like the third time. While enjoying the show I got stuck at one particular rendition, where Madonna as Eva Peroni is trying to convince everyone around her (including her lover) that someday she’ll make it big. Her song touched me, well actually my misinterpretation of the lyrics “I wanna be, I’ve gotta be a Buenos Aires, Big Apple” sort of left me confused: why would she want so desperately to be a bumblebee? I now realise that the lyrics are not “I wanna be, I’ve gotta be a humble bumblebee”. I mean this is a woman who wanted to be someone, she wasn’t afraid to lead or be showy; in fact I think she thrived on that. It just got me thinking is all...

When in company my grandmother never forfeits the opportunity to mention that she has the most humble grandchildren ever. In doing so she becomes a little less modest, but then again I believe she has earned that right, she is 82 after all. Then I started working through the dots: Are we really humble or just fearful to disappoint? Or am I just the girl selling her soul to climb a ladder in order to be someone? Is this a fear of rejection that now manifests as humility?

So because I never threw my very few achievements in your face, am I humble? Or is it the meaningful ‘Please, Thank you and No thank, I’ve had enough’s that prompt you to believe I have that quality inside of me?

I think the Black Eyed Peas say it best: “I’m a bee, I’m a bee, I’m a humble bumblebee.

My Hand-me-down Life Re-visited

2010-08-19T14:45:00.000-05:00

For the longest time (okay almost two weeks) I could not for the life of me understand why all my thoughts were pointing in one oblivious direction (not that I immediately saw that direction).

All the imagery was somewhat tangible (when can you ever see my imagery?). I managed to turn myself into an Ostrich, a most awkward and flightless bird who somehow managed to stick its head in the sand just as a tornado swirled the tiny grains of sand around its head obstructing already poor vision. And just like in those old cartoons where the characters stuck their head in the ground in America it would pop up in China, all my thoughts pointed there too. I myself felt small and the best way to challenge my height was to place me in juxtaposition to a wall that can withstand all that nature has thrown at it.

I blame the Beatles for that post because I started seeing everything with new eyes. I’ve decided to change, I know it’s a constant progression that never stops, but I am trying to see every mistake as a new adventure waiting to lead me to new heights (maybe just maybe I’ll grow, in more ways than one. Not only did I reference the Great Wall and an even greater bird but I even managed to throw in some Terracotta Warriors (just for good measure).

But still I could not fathom my African/ Chinese obsession all of a sudden... then I realised I’d seen pictures of P!atd when they were early this month in China. (These dudes influence me too much for my own good... but I’m not gonna complain).

My Hand-me-down Life

2010-08-06T08:54:00.001-05:00

My heads stuck and there’s sand in my eyes and thudding in my ears and a heart racing at a mile a minute.

I’m a creature of habit. There’s truth in what we did... who we became... and how we changed the world for good. The future is just a bunch of hopes and dreams lying in wait to fall through the cracks.

We’re made of brick and stone, to create a wall that can surpass the ages (these walls have ears) infallible like the mascara running up my cheeks, that are rosy and red and cold just like the wall when seen through rose coloured glasses, like the ones that held onto our faces with duct-tape as we raced around the globe in a roller-coaster as our drinks sloshed around like the liquid in my favourite snow-globe; shaken not stirred!

I tug but my heads still stuck. The sand has blown away leaving my vision clearer than it ever was and I see the infinite wall staring back at me in all its greatness and an army before it made of stone unlike me.

“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo”, Juliet solemnly asked...

2010-07-30T08:44:00.001-05:00

Dear Juliet,

I know this is supposed to be about love. No, not just any kind of love, but the unattainable kind that people lose their minds over. So I guess this is where I warn you that I haven't found the one and neither has he found me... yet.

It's as though love keeps bypassing me. My friends all have sparkles in their eyes and here I sit faking smiles to prove that I'm okay being by myself. Sometimes it really is okay because I really am happy and most of the time those smiles happen to be the real deal.

I dreamt him up... those eyes that change each time they burn deeper into my soul. I see him before me, but he's not mine, he's just a memory of a dream that won't come true.

I've gone so far as to mould him from clay, to try to breathe life into that mound of sand and hope for him to love me.

Love is all around us (sometimes I forget), and I'm trying my damndest to learn to be patient for when my unattainable love comes to find me... for when my Romeo comes to find me. (If ever you want to play fairy godmother just please give him a push in my direction... the right direction.)

I know that one day, someday soon, I too shall have that sparkle in my eye and the love from my one keeping me safe.

Love nj in wonderland

What a Waste of the Sun

2010-07-30T08:12:00.000-05:00

Smoke billowed from a chimney as the porch light extinguished, the drapes drawn and the resounding quiet too loud for outside ears.

The house was dark but warm as I pulled the blanket closer; it lay atop a cardboard box, one I hadn’t seen before. I just assumed he’d left it behind in his haste to escape... to escape me... and the life we’d begun to build.

The house felt empty now, but it wasn’t. I picked up the bottle I’d brought with me from the liquor cabinet. Gazing absently at the flames now dancing wildly, I put the bottle to my lips and swallowed. I tasted the bitter sweet amber liquid as it burned my throat and warmed my chest, coursing through me still trying to defrost my heart. I managed to cough up half my lungs thankfully not throwing up... that would come later, after my tears had tried staining my cheeks and the bottle clinked to the ground... empty.

I think the alcohol and fire are starting to play tricks with my mind. That box keeps staring at me. Not that a box can stare, just that I was getting a little too curious for my own good. I know he would have a fit if I went through his shit. But he did leave the box behind, on my couch, in my living room and I just needed to check that it wasn’t ticking. You never know it could be a few sticks of dynamite taped together with a clock attached and a message saying: “die bitch, die”. Okay that sounds legit, right? What is it they always say: “Curiosity killed the cat”, well it’s a good thing then that cats have nine lives. Shit, just think about it; what if that cat was all depressed and suicidal? Okay I’m drunk!

But even in my drunken state, I pulled the box off the couch and into my lap. It wasn’t sealed and the lid popped off easily. It looked like an ordinary box crammed with crap. I guess it was crap... all the things a couple accumulates over a period of two years.

There was the note he’d written for our second anniversary: it was full of ‘I love you’s and promises for the future... our future. I read it through twice before re-folding it and tucking it between the seat cushions of the couch.

Next, I found that picture he’d taken when I’d written my number on the window of a friend’s car and he drove dangerously just to capture my digits with his camera phone.

I dug around in the box before pulling out the mixtape I’d made him. Each song reminded me of him so I burned them to disc and slipped it into his DVD player when he wasn’t looking.

His baby brother’s birthday party was forever captured. As I marvelled at the picture: him pushing an ice-cream in my face, me laughing, a tear found its way to my chin.

Sometimes photographs remind us too much to ensure nostalgia. Sometimes they remind us to cherish the little things.

I liked this one. He hadn’t seen the camera, but he was smiling. He’d seen me and his face had lit up so, his blue eyes shone brilliantly.

Another shot of the birthday bash made its way to my lap. We’d taken over the games. I was chasing him, donkey’s tail in hand, hoping to catch my prey. I held my stomach as I laughed at his monkey impression. I smile now at the thought of how all the party goers had yelled and cheered when he’d caught me but I still managed to pin the tail on my donkey.

Each picture we were in made us seem so happy... and you know what? We were and I still loved him. This wasn’t a box of crap. It’s a box of memories, good ones that we’d based our lives on, memories I’d give anything for to just relive if it meant I’d get to make at least one new memory with him.

I hastily packed everything back into the box, stole the note back from the couch and put the lid back on. Cradling the box in my arms, I rushed to the hall closet to grab a coat, found my keys and made my way to my car.

I remembered the way he laughed, the way he said my name, the way I could piss him off and he would always forgive me .I hope he’ll forgive me this time.

I pulled out of the driveway and headed in the direction of his new place. I drove in thought and only noticed the flashing red lights when it was already too late. The only thought that went through my head was: “Damn, I thought it was only the cul-de-sac I lived in that was affected when the power went out. The entire city must then be out.” Just a little too late.

The last thing I saw before it all went black... it wasn’t the driver of the other car bracing himself for the impact, it wasn’t the red lights, it wasn’t even how everything slowed considerably... no, it was his smiling face, the one from the picture. I even thought I’d heard him call my name. I remembered that my heart started erupting because my voice wouldn’t obey my mind and I couldn’t answer him.

“It’s going to be okay,” I whispered as the EMT guys put her into the ambulance. Tears were streaming down my face. I had been driving to see her when I came across a wreck, a two-car-collision and approaching sirens. I recognised the bumper sticker of the red mini-cooper. It looked like the one I’d attacked to her car. But it couldn’t be... it just couldn’t be.

I followed the ambulance to the hospital praying with each minute that ticked by that she would be okay, like I’d promised her. I couldn’t go on without her... I wouldn’t go on in a world with no her.

“Sir,” a doctor shook me trying to get my attention. “I’m sorry to have to tell you...” she paused. “She didn’t make it. Her blood alcohol levels were higher than legal limits allow. The impact of the car...” I stopped listening. She wasn’t gone? She would never leave me? “We did everything we could,” she stated before leaving, a look of pity on her face. “I’m sorry for your loss,” but I wasn’t listening any longer.

I walked aimlessly, in search of nothing because nothing mattered anymore. I stopped in front of a door that read: “Roof Access” and tugged at the knob, finding it unlocked. The stairs were steep but finally I made it to the top finding the air up here to be thinner it might have just been my lungs giving up on me.

It was dark out here; I could hardly see the enclosed edge. I always knew I would fall for her... in every way imaginable. I’d fallen in love with her and now I was ready to fall off a roof just to see her again, to hold her hand, to hear her whisper my name.

The Last Remnants of Framed Mementos

2010-07-30T07:40:00.002-05:00

On Wednesday a dear beloved was injured in a horrific tragedy. At promptly 19:52 the coroner’s report was received stating that the passing away was accidental.

For the past few years, each day was spent in the company of greats. Each day they helped me see, directed my way without protest and assisted in my constant need for learning.

My glasses... or “gases” as someone often called them. When I had first gotten this pair no one noticed the change to my exterior and I didn’t mind. They went everywhere with me... sorry my humorous eulogy skills haven’t quite kicked in yet.

I remember them all fogged up as I persevered to concur that ski mountain. I remember the countless heroines they brought to life for me. i remember how often I managed to fall asleep with them on and feeling safe and protected like: nothing bad can touch me now. As soon as I adjusted them to the bridge of my nose I was transported to a world unknown, one that was made of dark & light, good & bad, yin & yang.

We take the little things for granted... to you they might have just been specs, but to me they were the window frames to my soul.

The Indecisive Pretender

2010-07-16T04:44:00.003-05:00

You’re not who you say you are... I see it in your eyes at night when you change from dark to light. I see it when we fight, when you care to make my heart feel so tight. At first sight I can’t decide if I want to want you because you’re not who you say you are or if I can live with me without you.

I am me no doubts about it. Un-hollow and warm: through and through. Being near you I feel like me, just ten million times better, like you fuel my super powers.
I want you to want me too. I’m tired of hoping you’d show me you. Let’s put our fears aside. Maybe we should slow things down and go up town to play with a circus clown without a frown as I wear a curious crown... my eyes are brown and I like the sound of your smile when you’re you through and through.
It sort of still feels bitter-sweet: one goal down ten million still lying around... but I could care less about them all scattered round and strewn on the dirty ground… because “all you need is love” and if it’s meant to be... it will be. It all comes to play at the right time.
The tears I’d shed were not for you, but for the life you’d said I would never call my own. Because you’re not who I say you are...

Hit the Bank before You trudge the Lane: the Memory Saga

2010-07-16T04:43:00.002-05:00

You are more than you give yourself credit for. Fear is powerful and you’ve allowed it to rule like a Nazi dictator or something equally vile.
Fear is the darkness that clouds out the brightest star. Love is the sun that dries up all the tears shed leaving you starry-eyed.
Wanna forget the bad times? Build shrines for smiles we don’t even remember?
Sometimes it’s good to remember the pain, the tears, the lessons we were forced to learn... it always has the tendency to remind us of the courage we possess, of how brave we are, of what we can accomplish when we put our minds to it even as our hearts shatter.
I like to forget to forget... to remember the true smiles. I’ll never ask for more. I’ll never tell you to hide who you are. And I’ll never expect you to be who you are not.

I thought I'd try something a little different today

2010-07-15T06:56:00.005-05:00

I thought I'd try something a little different today

my interest in the Saga is waning just a little. i loved the books, devoured them & looked past all the spelling errors (which is hard for me to do). i got hooked on the first movie saw the second with a gaggle of tweenies who shrieked each time Jacob appeared half naked and realised that the third is just a little too sexual-innuendo filled for my liking. i sooo agree with the unhealthy relationship bit though i mean if my guy must disable my truck so i cant see my best friend he'll wish he were never born (dont mess with my baby)... needless to say i will see the fourth movie , both parts of it.

I Believe...

2010-07-02T07:28:00.001-05:00

I believe in love... i believe in evolution: man, those dinosaurs were epic... i believe the chicken came before the egg... i believe we all have a purpose: I just haven’t found mine yet... I believe in never stepping on the cracks in the asphalt... I believe in life... I believe in death... I believe that death is a part of life... I believe in witches & wizardry... I believe in soul mates & true loves... I believe there is no ‘black & white’ about it all just the Technicolor my TV comes in... I believe that there is always two sides to every fence; you’re just stuck on one side... I believe in you

What is more Beautiful than Death?

2010-06-14T05:00:00.001-05:00

The walk is slow, long and tedious. But none rush to get there faster. Tears flow in ceaseless err.

A loved one is gone… to laugh no more.
A life is done… to begin unknown.
Sorrow overcomes a world of joy.
A loved one is lost… to be found no more.
A life without cost… to the mound we go.

Reddened eyes and weakened smiles. The untimely passing a test for all to endure.
With legs of jelly we journey more, clutching at chests fearful and sore. The days have begun to melt into one. The never-ending nights when I felt you before I saw the sun. The picture perfect memories that're flashing before my eyes. The mighty gust of wind: to push you from my sight.

To rest… if only for a little while… to rest…

Picture Perfect Memories

2010-06-14T04:59:00.000-05:00

Looking at my world through someone else’s eyes, it’s what you see me as. It’s your perspective of me and the world you find me in. but it’s not me… it’s a juxtaposition of angles, differentiation of light and nostalgia. It’s me in contrast to my surroundings.

Day in and day out we become strangers living in the shadows, unknown to each other. We’re fighting to stay relevant in an inadequate world. We stand on the side-lines to see it all fall apart.
My needs you can’t satisfy, let’s not play this all too familiar game of blame. We overcompensate to keep our heads high in the torrential rain. This world of lies we’ve created will kill us from within. Disregard the good because the bad out-weighs it all.

Back then I was naïve. I still am… and if I stay I’ll forever wonder what could have been. The ‘what-if’s’ will loop in my mind and I will forever be naïve.
My heart is on your sleeve… it’s yours… to do with as you please…

Re-dial

2010-06-14T04:58:00.001-05:00

“I’m just a phone call away,” he whispered sweetly, kissing her forehead and chasing away her fears.
Each time the line would disconnect.

It’s just a ghost town of lights and swaying trees. A lonely man walks on the side of the street. In his hand he holds the hand of the one he lost. The ringing stops and a voice can be heard: “Your call could not be completed… The subscriber you have dialled no longer exists…”

The Voices in My Head...

2010-06-14T04:55:00.001-05:00

The white walls no longer seem scary as I walk to find my next test subject.
My clipboard in hand I sit across from her. She stares off into oblivion and I have to shield my pitying face with my very own clipboard, it’s just the silly cardboard kind but it does the trick.
Taking a deep breath to compose myself I set my pen and clipboard silently on a low coffee table between us. Her hair is dishevelled and her clothes are miles too big, but I don’t think she has yet realised this, nor do I think does she know I am here.
“My name,” I begin slowly, “is Ms. Wonderland and I have a few questions to ask you,” I say gesturing to the clipboard. “May I begin?” she nods awkwardly at my question, leading me to proceed.
“Please state your name for the record,” she answers plainly with just two letters: NJ.
“You have made claims of hearing voices, are they just that or are they personalities? I mean is it just sounds and voices or do you believe they are entities created by your own mind?” I try to simplify and know I’ve failed.
“There is more than one,” she states and I’m led to believe she is more lucid than I first thought.
“Would you please elaborate,” I ask gesturing for her to continue.
“The first... I’m not sure of her name,” she quickly states as I nod pen poised over clipboard ready to jot down the names and personas of NJ’s inner psyche. “All I know is that she is the mother of Peter Rabbit, she’s very bossy. She keeps telling me to stay out of the farmer’s fields. She once tried grounding me for not listening to her mothering tales.
“The other is an insane French flower child, who is too wild for her own good or mine. She goes by the name Anony Mous and she keeps leading me down the paths closest to the farmer’s fields. But who could blame her when the farmer grows this herb that manages to make it all right. I think she takes advice from the voices in her own head.”
I sat pen still poised over clipboard, speechless at what this patient just revealed and stunned that as she spoke she mimicked all my movements (even the subtle ones) perfectly.

Happily (n)ever After

2010-06-04T06:42:00.002-05:00

Did Cinderella and Prince Charming live happily ever after?

Did they learn to compromise?

Did she reprise her role as cleaner and house maid, cleaning up after him?

Did she live happily ever after by ditching his ass and finding true love?

Did they find their soul mates in each other?

Were they content to live with each others’ failings and learn to build each other up?

Did she take her knowledge of house tending and he his knowledge of princedom, combine it and build a life together that was uniquely theirs?

Did they learn how to make each other happy, how best to get the other to smile when life seemed to barrel at them?

Did she marry him just to escape her family?

Did he marry her just to show people that he could slum like the rest of them?

Did they lose themselves along the way?

Does happily ever after exist in real life or is it just ‘the stuff fairy tales are made of’?

Straight’s Not Always Great

2010-05-20T05:01:00.001-05:00

So I was noticing a few constant idiocies in recent days... if its straight it’s great!
Here goes my rant: Straight up!
My naturally curly hair should not determine how professional I can be in the work place.
My sexuality preferences should not determine how my culture perceives me.
The waves on my shirt should not exclude my sense of style.
My lineally incorrect handwriting should not undermine my depth as a person.
And you know what: it does.
Your manner of logical thinking does not have to be mine too.
There are tons more ‘Straight vs. Me’ titbits but right now I can’t think of more. My brain’s the boss of me and she is screaming for sleep.

As I Search for a Revelation

2010-05-07T04:14:00.002-05:00

I hate how time just stands still and rushes by all at once. What I am trying to say is: How long have I been here now? It feels like years but he hasn’t come back yet.
And they all went marching down to the ground to get out of the hole they had dug for themselves: dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum.
I’ll be the lantern guiding you there.
I wasn’t looking but you found me when I was too lost to know myself.

Dear Journal

2010-05-07T04:14:00.001-05:00

It’s been a while since we’ve spoken. So I decided that I’d prefer t o tell you a little truth.
I don’t know what happened this weekend. All I remember was stopping the car in the middle of the heaviest traffic known to man and just bursting with tears.
I guess it was always there hiding in the background: cars- the weapons of mass destruction to the modern world.
But I would never want to harm anyone... except myself. I stopped cutting a long time ago, quit the drugs, but this just feels different. I know I’ll never actually do it but the idea is there growing in power and I am here growing in fear.
I’m sorry it must be pathological or something, but I am working on not believing my lies so readily.
I wonder how I would feel if this was actually true. No, I take that back: I’d never want to feel anything if an idea like that ever grew enough to be carried out.
Sorry again to have misled you. My truths these days are often twisted and fucked up.

QOTD

2010-04-23T06:09:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was a bookworm;
Today I’m just a waste of space &
Tomorrow I’ll be a wild child.

Some might say I’m dramatic but I’m just a darn good actress ready to take this world by storm.
Sometimes I think I’m crazy; this asylum isn’t just metaphorical. Its white-washed walls become iron bars trapping me inside. Its sealed windows threaten to keep me from fighting for freedom, for justice, for love. The smiles are fake, the sparkle glinting and popping off of eternally brightened teeth and their corresponding lies. Each pair of eyes that stare my way have dulled as their owners hide.
Some might say this is over-dramatic, but I’m just a damn good actress ready to take the world by storm. The stage is set and I await my applause…

The Homebody that flew from its perch

2010-04-16T07:51:00.001-05:00

I get excited to go home because I know that’s where you are, even though you don’t come around anymore.
You look at me with darkened eyes, like you’re scrutinizing me and I flinch back because my soul should never be pried at in that manner.
You console but I’m a sceptic.
You control and I try to break free.
I can’t be me with your iron grip around my throat.
I lie and it hurts because I’ve learnt to turn my lies into truths... for my benefit only.
I can’t be what you want me to be because that’s not me.
I’m all choked up because I’m losing you. But I know deep down we were just wasting time... consuming oxygen... and faking the sparkle in our eyes for the birds and the bees.

Because Tomorrow Means Never

2010-04-16T07:41:00.002-05:00

Today was meant to be a good day. It started out that way but I quickly realised how crappy it was, how pissed off I’d been all day. Peace-love-happiness me, pissed off?
All day long I could not put my finger on why I was angry. But just now as I heard the soft knock on my window and didn’t get excited as I would have a year ago, I realised what had me all pissed off. You.
A year ago today I was the happiest person alive...because of you. But right now I’m hiding from you... hiding from the lack of love we show each other. I know I should really face my fears... face you but I guess it could wait another day or so, right?
Now I am safe inside a world I’ve created. With earphones in ears and iPod on shuffle, with just a tiny candle illuminating this world... I’m safe and happy again...
...till it’s just you and me again.

Careless carefree me

2010-04-13T08:34:00.001-05:00

Prologue

The uniformed woman stared questioningly and I didn't blame her. I knew I looked a sight, standing there with my small suitcase, ticket, passport and frightened eyes. "Would you like me to check your luggage?" she asked sweetly and I smiled as I nodded yes. I could feel the fear slipping away. I knew in my heart that I was making the right decision. My escape was... I wasn't really sure about what to expect. I knew this whole thing could blow up in my face or it could be the start of something extraordinary. I was praying for extraordinary. I only breathed after my passport was checked and my luggage was crawling away on the conveyor. "It's going to be better that okay," I kept reassuring myself as my mind dwelled on other things. I hated thinking of that time.

It's been two years and some months since I packed that bag with four peace-sign t-shirts, two pairs of blue jeans, my favourite blue hoodie and the tiniest jewellery box, three of my favourite books, my laptop and a few mismatched underwear items and boarded a plane heading for New York. I couldn't contain my excitement the minute my black Chucks touched down on American soil, I mean concrete.

I always refer to it as 'my great escape', but you might think of it as running away, you'd be dead right. I did run, they say admittance is always the first step. I just didn't know what I was running from or what I was running to.

Aubergine dreams & Zucchini screams

2010-03-19T07:58:00.000-05:00

I waste my time in buildings that once were packed but only hold ghosts & glass barricades, where people transform into mannequins & pillars. This world of brick closes in on me. I’m the only one here but I know I’m not alone. The shutters that keep out now imprison a world in caverns of cotton & gold.
Every letter screams my name severing my hold on indifference as someone plucked the rainbow from the sky, squished the colours to make this point unscary. But I know what it hides: bars, shackles & restraints.

Tandem teenage hearts on a string

2010-03-05T06:13:00.001-06:00

You wanna know what hurts the most? Hmm? It’s when you put your heart out there and nothing else. So you’d think, right? You’re wrong. What hurts the most is when you put your heart in the hands of someone you love and there’s just no reciprocation, because he doesn’t love you enough.
Would a smile grace your lips when I publicly accept that? Would that smile brighten your eyes when I refuse to acknowledge it in the haunts of my bloodless/loveless heart?
I give up. I’ll throw in the towel... today the last of me has been given. You’ve wanted the rest but here’s the best for your enjoyment and earthly pleasure.
I guess this really is goodbye...
I’ve put my hole heart in this and now I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve trying to cover up the scars my fears have left behind.
So long... goodbye.

Gloom-day-Cookies

2010-03-05T06:12:00.000-06:00

When is it okay to quit... to raise the white flag... to surrender the sword... to stop the fight... to accept that the end is near?
When is it okay to gather the sheet... to lay it over what once was... what will cease to be?
Accept the fate?
Deny humanity?
Cross our hearts and hope to die?

“...So I say thank you for the music... the words I’m writing...”

2010-02-12T01:02:00.003-06:00

My contemplation right now is whether to name everybody by name or band or most prominent literary work to date.
I have had so many inspiring people in my life as of late. Be it in day to day living or through a song that got me to sleep after my nightmares stole the blissful hours from me. Or like the complaints of a customer in a check-out line or some wacky TV commercial or a touching moment between loved ones. Or the times i had my heart broken (which seemed to be all the time).
But really I want to thank all those who’ve helped me, skimmed at these, laughed at them or even with them, screamed at anything I’ve ever posted (because I really can’t write and it frustrates the hell out of you that I seem to never take the lack of comments as a hint at that), hated that almost every sentence is either disjointed or it begins with ‘And’. If you’ve ever had a ‘wow moment’ I really am sorry I didn’t mean to let that happen. And if you’ve never got my sarcasm then you’re a real trooper for even starting to read any passage, text, paragraph or simple word I’ve allowed to slip past me. To the pushy and undaunted- thank you if you had never ‘peer pressured’ me into anything I would have become a turtle stuck forever in its shell (but I still don’t believe in peer pressure and I will always be glad for you and I really do want peace- now I just feel like ‘Gracie Lou Freebush ‘).
I apologise to those who never understood anything I forced out of my pen, to those who misconstrued my meanings... not everything was about me (it rarely is). Don’t worry half the time I don’t get it either.
Did anybody realise how badly I ramble. I clearly never make sense and yes I did once reference “making cents”. I love to break rules: hello! I start sentences with the word ‘And’ like always. I suck as a suckish-rebel and I can’t spell or spell-check, but I’m a dreamer it’s just that at times of blissful inspiration I never seem to get the ideas out of my head (or heart) exactly as I had imagined them to be. And I don’t care about that.
So thank you for reading, commenting and inspiring. And for you who never have read anything by little ol’ me, thank you anyway.
This is by no means ‘good-bye’. None of this was ever meant to be seen; I just needed to back up my ‘stuff’ after my hard-drive decided to through in the towel the first time. I am not about attention grabbing, I just wanted to say thank-you and I truly appreciate your attention.
(As with every fanfic I’ve ever read or written, I clearly don’t own any of the bands, their songs, the poets, their poems, the authors, their books, the oxford English dictionary... but i do own the notepad I bought and the pencils I’ve had since my brother noticed them go missing from his school stuff- when he still was in school- and not forgetting my ‘life’ or to those who don’t know me well, my beloved laptop.)
Last but not least: God, my parents, my friends , JJ, Lynn and everyone else forgotten, you guys have been there for me when I didn’t think I would or could survive or for just scaring me senseless enough to remember that I’m not alone, never was and never will be.
Thank you for letting me express my own opinion in a world that could care less.
Love Linzay (njinwonderland).
Ps...Apparently I don’t even own the pencils I stole from my brother JJ. –NJ

“The world will never do...”

2010-02-12T01:01:00.000-06:00

We’re inspired by the weirdest strangest things. And I love it.
She said “say what you want, say what you need” ...some love and happiness to make this world spin a little faster, please.
But seriously now, what has gotten into everyone lately? We’re just all so ready to though in the towel.
We live in a hater nation.
I thought you cared but it seems I have no problem with lying to myself. My world came crashing down, weighing on my little shoulders. You’re blind if you can’t see the pain you constantly inflict and you’re smiling through it all.
Harden your heart and pretend nothing ever happens because red doesn’t come close to what I’m seeing. My chest burns at what you’ve done. The ‘H’ word threatens to slip past my last defences.
You never cared that you were shoving me down to pull yourself up.
Your terror reign ends with me because I won’t throw in the towel.

“...Like calm in place of clamour, like peace that follows pain...”

2010-02-05T05:23:00.000-06:00

“Long live the car crash hearts...”

The sun shines through the rain but not through my tears. You know I’ll support you no matter how many times you break my shattered heart. Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of experiencing all the bad days... now please make them stop.
We’re as close as the blood in my veins as my heart makes quick work of love, life, me.

Here, see the cracks in my facade. Decisions were made whether good or bad. We have to see them through and live with the consequences, the hate mail and the teeny emotions.

Sometimes I just want to scream, “Look at me, look at me,” but no one listens so they don’t.
So we go slow and now here we stand stuck in the motions... let’s go sailing on the oceans.

“...Our hearts beat for the diehards...”

“...Oh, if you ask me I will see this through...”

2010-01-29T04:07:00.002-06:00

“I want an old time love... nothing else is good enough,” I sing along. It’s still except for the radio and my terrible singing. Silence is golden, oh so golden when stolen from quiet lips.
“... Nothing else is g-g-good enough,” I sniffle wiping at moist eyes. My voice is coated with tears and I try to push away every contemptuous thought suffocating me. I’m wondering if this is life or just my nightmares playing on a loop.
Try? I might.
Succeed? Not quite.
A hand pauses on my shoulder, a finger wipes away a tear and a deeper voice whispers low: “try to succeed...” I smile.
Why the hell not!
You’re so right!

The Treacherous Transparent Fight

2010-01-22T05:10:00.002-06:00

The brisk currents pull me close, close to the wave’s core: the crashing water splashing over my head. I’m afraid of what I might find, what might happen.
Slowly and then ever faster the crashing ceases and water rushes by. My form drenched I trudge deeper and deeper trying desperately to keep pace with the rushing... I’m only human. Man can try, but never beat the odds.
With every step I take the wind whispers softly in my ear telling tales of long lost heroes: Heroes of old. Tales whispered so sweetly. The tears spill from my eyes or is it just the rain pouring from the sky?

The sky so dark and yet so light, is grey as night. The wind no longer to be heard- all is calm. I still move; further, deeper. Wave’s crash against my shivering form: it’s cold, so cold... I cannot give up now. Still I move as bursts of waves push me against, above and below brisk currents. Desperately I try to keep my feet firmly in the sand.

I just need the water to bury me. Take me under and cover my naked body in its watery heat. “Protect me from all evil, please,” I beg as I am taken down. My knees are forced beneath me, my eyes close and my mouth involuntarily opens- I am calm. I fight. The current pushes me up, but I force myself down. I fight.

Washing over me I feel different... new. Am I? Will I ever be? No. Do I ever want to be? It would just be easier to allow the crashing to continue over my head. To wipe away all my fears, my sorrows, to make me new, clean, whole.

We’ve got to want what we need and need what we want. I want the water to push me down to bury me, but most of all I need to be burned by the water. Allow the pressure... succumb to it.

But our wants are no longer important it’s the needs that count to make love exist enough to make this world go round to make happiness abound so that we stop trying to drown our hearts.

...As Truth Instead of Lies

2010-01-22T05:10:00.001-06:00

I’ve already believed in dreams coming true, in magic and in white unicorns. Those myths and fables are the treasures of my heart.
It’s weird you always think it’s the little kids and their imaginary friends who believe. They’re able to experience things we no longer care to. Their childlike faith and ability to believe allows imaginations to run wild.

And I could really care less that my left shoe doesn’t match my right as long as I’m with you. And I could care less that my eye lids are heavy because we don’t keep normal humanoid hours if it means we get to be together. So un-expose your heart and re-focus the lens. Shoot. Rethread the needle and stitch it to my sleeve. This world is devoid of love. So please get some freaky science dudes in white lab coats together to reinvent love the way it should be.

Your every footfall is mirrored by my every step as you hold me close and we dance to the flickering lights. I breathe you in and make a self-centred vow: I’m gonna try to be generic for just one day, then for every after I will always be me, the dreamer with the pet unicorn- the one you love.

I’d already believed in dreams coming true, in you, in love I just didn’t think I’d get to experience it all at once.

Wish upon a silver star... the only lights in the dark...

2010-01-15T05:52:00.001-06:00

Night had come fulfilling its habitual cycle. The sky freckled with glamorous stars, lighting the path. Silently trudging along, fearful for what she had done.
Escape! She’d taken what could never be hers. Regret filled her heart. “...Should’ve grabbed all possible bits of evidence,” she scolded herself. She walked on, increasing her pace.
“...At this very moment all hell could be breaking loose. Shit, fuck, shit,” she swore loudly knowing the cat would be out of the proverbial bag by now. Her brain screamed for her to make a run for it, but her every extremity became leaden.
She needed to turn back, to confess, she knew it with every beat of her heart. “...Confess to what, he deserved everything he got,” she spoke louder this time and then whispered a quick ‘Hail Mary’ while fingering her black Rosary with nervous tentative hands. She stroked her favourite piece of jewellery once more, admiring its colour. Black the most sinful colour, the nuns would be ashamed.
But she didn’t feel safe though...

Back in Time

2010-01-15T05:49:00.000-06:00

The candle flickers, the flame low.
Oh how soon death comes.
Darkness has gathered round us.
Oh for a penny and a smile...

So take a deep breath and
See the world outside.
Life’s so over-rated, but
It’s cool when you’re in
The swing of things...
And all eyes are on you and me.

The Prison

2010-01-11T05:06:00.001-06:00

Is it humane to ignore the screams of a woman bound, as her husband -a man she trusted for the better part of a decade, loved more than she did herself- bloodied his fists with every thrust at her face? He was killing her, physically, emotionally and mentally; he found satisfaction in the breaking of her bones and her soul.
I hid behind the closed door. I couldn’t stand the pain she endured, her cries caused my heart to crack, but I knew it ‘wasn’t my business’, I knew it because that’s what I’d forced myself to believe each time he got too angry. So I closed the door, closed my ears, closed my mouth, closed my eyes, closed my head off and closed my heart.
I could still sense her fears with every whimper and every intake of breath. I still heard his curses at her, his names of love: “whore, bitch, and cunt”. My blood boiled and I forced shaky fingers to turn the key in the lock, sealing me in.
The beat of drums, the screech of guitars and the sweet sound of melodic voices intertwined as it poured out of my headphones, forming a wall between me and the carnage the wife endured.
“P-p-please s-s-stop it,” I heard her pleas through my barricade. I even held my breath as he promised his love and sealed it with a resoundingly painful slap on bare flesh.
Surprisingly I could already hear her ’explanations’ as to the purple-tinged class-ring imprint on the apple of her cheek, the ‘it-was-all-my-fault’s’, the blustering, the quiet voice, the screaming eyes, the nightmarish shouts and the cold sweats. The blatant lying... to herself and those who love her.
I could see the pain of an all too willing housewife. I could see the bruising and all I had to do was to stare into a mirror as I tried to smooth the concealer over my new ‘love mark’!

The fighting depressions...

2010-01-11T04:25:00.000-06:00

She felt tainted, like she was broken. She tried desperately not to think of how empty inside she was. She knew all it took was seeing his face, hear his voice, or even just hear his name spoken aloud for her resolve to disappear.
She knew how easy it would be to break down the walls she hid behind. How much emotion she was learning to suppress. She knew it wouldn’t be too long before her best friends realised all of this and left her the same way he did. But worst of all, she knew she wasn’t just lying to her friends, family and loved ones, she was lying to herself and she felt guilty. But that was that. “Lie to yourself,” she whispered to her reflection in the bathroom mirror. “Forget the only way you know how,” she said jabbing a finger at the mirror. “Life needs to go on,” she yelled at the closed bathroom door as she fought to escape its grasp.
She followed the sound of music till she came to a dance floor packed with too drunk people. She thought about heading over to the bar, thought better of it and decided to join the over-heated mass of bodies on the dance floor.

Mushroom Cloud

2009-12-31T07:36:00.000-06:00

I put paper to pen and somehow it just all makes sense...
I’m not not happy... weird thing though: I’m not sad but I’m also not happy.
We’ll forever keep the happy memories, laugh about the fights shared, learn from the hardships and cherish every moment spent with the ones we love.
The sands in the hour glass are running up pushing against the gravitational stream which is time and I’m here lining the walkway with shoes and clothes and things, because that is the only way to be happy.
It smells like rain; fresh, intoxicating and having the power to wipe away the bad and leave only the good, the new and the pretty.
But we never see what’s hiding, do we?

Weathered and beaten to a pulp: because oranges hate to be eaten for empathy’s sake.

2009-12-22T01:19:00.000-06:00

Come take my sunshine away... I love this halogen light that’s gonna kill the night. Please no more rehearsed and calculated strategies. You’re my bleeding heart so dry your tears with dry ice for my sob story tonight.
Deep dark and handsome... Go on: cut the silence with your doubled-edged sword and lick the wounds before you throw me over-board to float your own boat up a waterfall because I’m the swing vote.
I’m the socket you’re the plug, wanna see sparks fly? I need an outlet but the mall’s too far away.
I need a medium to channel the ghosts of nj’s past, but this tee’s too small just don’t mention the skinny j’s (cut off at the knees).
Its plutonium love, my precognitive dreamer so sleep, you don’t have to fear the unknown, you don’t have to fear... any dream will do.

Teasing at electrified air

2009-12-18T02:20:00.002-06:00

“’Like a pillar: seen not heard but carrying the weight!’ Is this your mantra?” he asked reading the cue-cards I’d spent the last few minutes on.
“Mantra? I believe it if that’s what you’re asking. I respect it if that’s what you’re too afraid to ask. I fear that one day I’ll be exactly like it and I fear that I never will be able to carry the weight,” my explanation wasn’t what he’d wanted, I knew that because I knew him... know him. He never meant for me to be angry, always trying to protect me, even from me.
“Sorry,” he mumbled inaudibly, leaving me at the table to go rummage through the pantry for a snack.
“Hey, I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to be so mean. I’m too much in my own head, I don’t realise what I’m saying until after I’ve hurt you,” I said sliding myself onto the counter talking to his back.
“Cookies or candy?” he asked holding a bag of choc-chip cookies and another of my favourite red liquorice sticks.
“Cookies,” I instinctively answered. “No, wait... candy. Could we just try both?” I asked sheepishly.
“Sure,” he said planting a kiss on my forehead, sweeping my too long bangs back behind my ear. “Anything you want,” that was all I needed to hear to know I was forgiven.
“Where’re you going without me?” I asked trying to clamour down from the counter. Noticing my struggle he came to my aid, standing between my legs forcing our torsos against each other, to pick me up in his arms. I quickly kissed his cheek but he didn’t let go, trying to hold onto me for a little longer.
Swiftly he took my face in his hands holding my chin, tilting it up so that I could see his every intention in his eyes.
The kiss was rough and with every second passing us by, increased exponentially in passion until both were crying out for air.
As lips broke apart nimble fingers sort supple, tender, taut flesh. Bodies inched closer making intentions known loudly and clearly as our brains shut down and our bodies took over. Passion ignited as our bodies forgot how to act and remembered how to play.
“I was always rushing never savouring a single moment in time. Now I’m just set on experiencing this one with you,” I said breaking our kiss as he carried me out the kitchen.
“No cue-cards needed?”
“No cue-cards needed,” I agreed kissing him again and again and again.

Burning Man

2009-12-11T05:10:00.001-06:00

I greatly appreciate how you can entice that part of me, the part that burns (It could just be the heat from the house burning to the ground).
My eyes narrow and I know you feel the fire licking at your heels as you flee to escape the wreck we’ve created. The ash clouds your vision and I excitedly squeal as your breathing hitches. You cough, you sweat, you run, you fight to leave the blazing that keeps its tempo. I jump up and down like the fangirl I am. The biggest sadistic smile pasted to my mouth.
Your air is murkier, your oxygen escaping your lungs. My chest starts to burn and I realise I really don’t care. You can’t replace what you’ve never had. The heat kills it all, like I’m killing you for killing me.
I’m tipsy and each time this bottle spills the fire sparks anew. Am I digging my own grave or just fuelling your own fire?
I really should stop believing everything you say. For strong I shall be, no matter how timid I feel.
I’m numb again. The fire has burned out… all emotion, all sensation, all of me.

“My Mood is Foul it Clouds the Sky”

2009-12-11T04:34:00.001-06:00

Damn, my powers of speech suck. I need a new brain anyway, to think. Just please don’t fill my head with silly ideas of love and ‘suicidal propaganda’. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m the bad guy, the bad influence for falling for every gory detail you spew at me.
When you say, “that can never happen again,” and you get this guilty look on your blushing face, I know you’re thinking about the next time you get to experience anything close to this.
I know sarcasm isn’t greatly received so deadpan your dreams because we’re all stuck and going nowhere but straight to hell, “please pass limbo and forget to collect your two-hundred pictures of me”.
You’re not always going to be there for me… I’m broken inside and out and this song of hate has turned into a sad love song… but I want the anger to consume me more than you ever have.
You’re guilty through association. Deal with it!

Hallowed Be Your Name

2009-12-04T00:33:00.000-06:00

“I’m down on my knees and begging you please to ease my sorrow,” I yelled in the cathedral. “Give me wings and make me fearless,” I begged the silent room. “I’m exhausted,” I breathed attempting to start a conversation with the air.
“You’re also smelly, in dire need of a shower and I’m sure food would be welcomed,” she smiled as my belly answered before I could. “You know He listens,” she nonchalantly said pointing to the ceiling with a knowing smile plastered to her lips. “Just not to me,” she stated barely audibly to my buzzing ears.
She started making her way to the end of the pew. I thought for sure she’d just keep walking, leaving me alone as everyone potentially does, but she stopped looking me up and down. I could see my own sorrow mirrored in her and my heart it just cracked.
I quickly bowed my head creating a cross in the sky with my head, my eyes pausing at every corner. I forced myself to my feet to follow her speedy paces. She was fast, but I hadn’t trained on the track for half my life, for nothing. I snatched her arm and saw her smile as she turned to me.
“There’s history behind blood shot eyes and short lived future to come,” she said as though reading it in the stars. Gripping my waist she pulled me close, to rest her head against my chest. “Praise and thank Him for deliverance,” she whispered sweeping her hand across the crucifix inked into my skin. “Rejoice for He really is good and don’t forget to pray. He listens,” she finished looking into my eyes once again. A wave of guilt washed over me and I closed my eyes to break the connection. When I re-opened them she was gone as though she never was. As though the dark hair, as shocking as the ravens fluttering overhead, the pale skin as white as the snow and those lips, now etched in my memory, as red as the blood now pumping in my once cold veins, never existed.
She reminded me of someone I once knew but I still couldn’t place my finger on it, maybe she was just a fallen angel helping lost boys find their way home again. Maybe...maybe...

Clichés & Platitudes

2009-12-04T00:28:00.000-06:00

My disco lights just gave up and I feel exactly the same. Today is not the best day but we learn to make the most.
Is life just a perpetual palindrome?
I don’t want to be mediocre or extraordinary. I just want to be me when I’m with you. I want to re-write my past to include you in my future.
Understandably who I am’s not who you want to be because I’m me, me, meme, me: the warm-up opera singer’s understudy.
This isn’t here to make sense it’s just my randomized brain relating to the weather.
I don’t want to be the girl who got the story, the foot-notes to the after party; I want to be the one that gets the song.
Love has never yet existed for me so I stand in the cold alone, surrounded by thousands of couples staring at a gigantic clock counting down the seconds... the seconds...the clock... the kiss...
I stand here searching for my soul mate, everything less is not for me. But I’m bound to break my own rules sooner or later.

The Calm, The Storm, The Before, The After

2009-11-27T04:23:00.001-06:00

If I wish upon a star can I wish on the one you descended on? But i guess complacency is not yet mine. I just need a fix...
I need to twist the cap off and feel the liquid flow freely down my throat, to have it forgive my sins and all my transgressions.
Gelatine based muscles...Hallucinogenic mixtures. I’m giddy, I’m all jittery as f*ck. My muscles are all bunched up, my nerves tethered and tied to balloon strings... At the moment all I have is this cup of coffee and a fake smile to keep me running on un-empty. Your hand in mine would surely help me soar.
I feel the effects at last: it is fast and smooth flowing into unused veins once more. Its plutonium love my precognitive dreamer, so set my broken bones because I’ve been walking down memory lane a lot lately and they’re not even good memories they’re just belated dreams forgotten seconds after thinking. It’s time to turn autopilot off.
I need you to keep pumping my blood, my heart – you’ve got it.

Am i that much of an old soul, trying not to drown in the undercurrent of non-existent love?

She whispered I love you but he was already gone

2009-11-19T23:44:00.000-06:00

The wind whispers in my ear and I pray it’s you telling me it will all be right.

My voice it disappears. I’m losing my will to sing and I’m scared. What else am I good at?
I’ve never dreamt this could happen. I fight a battle already lost. Hope keeps bypassing me for you.
It seems dark but the sun shines through molten clouds.
I croak out a tune and hold my throat.

“Bite your tongue,” I want to scream but pray instead, making the air around solemn and sacred.
You touch my hands and flinch because they’re as cold and hard as ice.
My lips are blue and yet they hunger for you. Breathe life back into me to see the sun shine through the darkest clouds.

I know in my heart of hearts that you never meant it. You’re incapable of causing pain, I know.
Time has come and time has gone, so thank you for the memories, enjoy life and have fun.
I scream but my mouth remains closed because missing you is not an option anymore.
I think it takes guts to call it quits. I’m quitting you!

The gravity of it all just hit.
There’s a space where your heart used to beat in unison with mine. There’s a hole where my heart is… used to be…

Behind the curtain I change becoming the ugly moth once again. The clocks struck twelve, so I test my tired wings. No more butterflies and princes for me, just the dull thudding of drums in my head and angels voices in my ears.

Love hurts, everybody says so. I guess that’s why I’ve never allowed myself to dabble in it fully, always afraid of the pain. I guess I’m sick and tired of the fear, I want to feel the pain at least when it’s all over I could say I Have Loved. It might just be with the tiniest part of my heart or with every ounce of my soul but it will be love.

I’m on fire like a barroom burning to the ground.
If I die in my sleep just know that’s the reason why.

I want to continue the search for love. But my wings are tired and my eyes droopy, I think it’s time to rest. My jetlag is now permanent.

The wind whispers in my ear and I pray it is you telling me it will all be right.

Ariella

2009-11-19T23:43:00.000-06:00

“Lost at sea or lost on land, what’s the difference?” I questioned myself. “It feels as though the end of the world is upon me, crushing my lungs between nimble fingertips and I can’t break through.”

Her eyes were glazed over. Her heart hung heavy, for life was not all it was cracked up to be.
Walking slowly and deliberately as though each step was that of one closer to her demise, she gripped the doorknob and felt it turn without her turning it. The door was soon wrenched from her grasp. Her breath caught tightly in her throat and her eyes fluttered closed…

Her prince came to save her. “I love you,” she whispered but the dream was already gone.
So she fell into the arms of another who showed his love in hateful ways but all she’d ever known was his love.
A love like no other.

Perforated-Genius-Like-Me

2009-11-13T04:10:00.001-06:00

The trees sway in the wind
Music pounds in my soul
The birds sing along to a dead man’s tune.

Just follow this labyrinth to my favourite haunts.
If you’re there you’re there
If not… who cares?

He lived in the past,
He was cold and hard
(Hide out; run far, far away)
He’s living in his head, resting behind locked eyes.

I’m wishing my knight could save me from this wasteland of a reality.
But I can’t keep spilling my heart for you.
It’s like knocking at a dead man’s door before an open grave just toeing the line.

“My story? Not really sure. But yeah.”

2009-11-06T02:25:00.000-06:00

Life was entering the boring zone. I missed him too much and couldn’t believe that I’d even gotten to this point. Life seriously was entering the boredom zone. I recently stopped singing (I can’t believe I just admitted that to you of all people, but who cares right?) I just decided it wasn’t for me anymore. I really hope you can understand my reasoning. So I’m guessing you want to know why singing isn’t my meal ticket anymore, right? I can’t write. He was my inspiration and without him here my words just seem pointless and yeah they fall on deaf ears because they’re not his ears. So yeah boredom really is my home now. Stop me already, you can’t allow me to walk the narrow path of nostalgia this way. Could we go, just leave, just disappear, just run and dance in the rain because it feels like home and I’m missing my home? Better yet let’s dance, let’s chase away the bad and let the music course and swim inside us, levitating us off the ground. I miss his arms, my permanent home…my comfort zone, so warm and inviting. The memories are fading and all I care to remember now is the outer sheath of all things good. But talking about it all with you makes me sad all over and now, I hate to admit it but I long for home. I guess I’ve opened up and laid my cards on the table face down because some things are still too primitively painful. I know it’s strange to say but I do miss singing...true my words are gone and all ears have gone deaf but my voice is newer and I never sang for you, always for me, the smile it brought to his face was just an added bonus. So let me stand tall in front of masses, letting the smile in my song travel through me like a dove searching for the perfect olive tree for its anointing.

All Hallows Eve

2009-10-30T07:34:00.002-05:00

wishing all a Happy Halloween

hope its frightfull

i might look 15 (as i've been told) but really i am only 21

The prelude to the end, we knew it would inevitably happen.

2009-10-27T02:58:00.004-05:00

Everybody's out to protect their necks and I'm just out for the count. I guess its not a secret anymore. I can't believe I'm about to say this out loud: "I hate you so much right now" and I don't know how to curb this emotion from raining down on my pathetic parade, but let the rain fall down.
It seems you've created illusions and I'm just living through them. Yeah I'll have my moments while you fuel the fire of every girls' desire but by pure design I find myself immune to your self-adhesive powers. So why are you selling yourself so hard?
Is it wrong to want you to want me?

Shadow Play

2009-10-27T02:26:00.002-05:00

"Can't believe I was so excited for this day to start, now I can't wait for it to come to a screeching halt," I scream to a God who's blocked his ears from my continuous complaining.
"Do you even know what I am because I surely don't?" I'm like a shadow almost invisible but just not there yet and I know he knows.
So I sit here staring down at my reflection in a well of black that is my coffee cup and I feel like a shadow- no body, no mind, no heart and no soul.
I like being in the shadows, watching the world pass me by feeling inferior to the worldly chaos. Its time to forget so let's forget those years even existed
This is terse and tense and not how I imagined love to be. So I'm sitting here waiting for life to suck because I wanna roll with the punches and ride off into the sunset... it's true.
I guess it's true: life is too short to be anybody else. Life's all sunshine and roses when its spent with you.

Out of Milk!

2009-10-26T04:24:00.002-05:00

It's dark except for the light coming from the refrigerator. You stare sleepily inside, not finding what you want there. You bend over slightly searching for the milk carton but it hides from you. Your eyes look heavy with sleep so you don't see me standing in the doorway to the kitchen. You don't see my smile as I admire your messy hair, your naked chest & those blue boxers I love so much. I laugh as you jump at the purring cat sliding her body against your naked legs. I laugh louder as you curse rubbing your forehead knowing there'll be a bruise in the morning. I'm laughing so hard, I'm holding my belly lying on the wooden flooring with tears streaming down my cheeks. My eyes are tightly shut, my breathing constricted, my shoulders heaving. I'm laughing so hard I don't see you walk over to me, but I feel you now on top of me laughing with me, holding me close: I never wanna stop laughing with you... laughing with me...

Catch My Tears

2009-10-26T04:01:00.002-05:00

Try to the end to fill the silences like the cracks in the wall of a broken-down mess of a home.
Don't say what's on your mind because I'm not ready to feel the pain. I want to be numb, numb to this world I don't want to be a part of. Catch my tears as they fall.
Catch my tears as they spill, you know they're only ever for you. I don't want to fall into the well that is you but it's too late to try to stop me, but thanks anyway.
I hurt; I hurt so much at times I want to cuddle up & throw my emotions away. My eyes twitch I think I'm tired, but I just woke from the deadest slumber. My mom says it's because I'm to see someone... When will it happen? Is it you?
Catch my tears before they fall out of reach & away they go.
Pulling myself apart to understand the aesthetics of it all, nothings one-dimensional enough for this lonely-hearts club! But I'm coming into my own skin & damn does it feel good & you're a prisoner of your own making never to be freed. Please catch my tears as they roll like scarlet pumpkins through a town of undeserving sinners.
Yesterday is lost to us. Tomorrow was never meant for us. We have tonight... let's grab it with both hands...

Black Jack to Vegas

2009-10-26T03:54:00.002-05:00

Take this token as a sign of my love & appreciation.
Drop it in the slot & pull the lever.
Stand back & remember all our memories. "Ka-ching!" "Ding, ding, ding" "You've hit the jackpot!"
So fill your pockets & dig in deep.
You've gotta pull out the heart you've hidden there to make room for your winnings.
Your chest is full, your pockets lined, so wear your heart on your sleeve like I wear mine.
Now stand back, let's make new memories.

Indescribable with a touch of attitude

2009-10-05T07:02:00.003-05:00

"Music to my ears..." she says conducting a symphony of non-existent musicians and instruments. She closes her eyes once more and continues her arm waving. I see that it takes every ounce of strength in her tiny body to not yell at me for openly laughing at her. "Like the top string of the lyre.." she explains after seeing my exaggerated mimicry of her movements. "I thought it was supposed to be violins in this track," I say laughing. She steps closer to me, standing on her tippy-toes and still only reaching my shoulder, "Well mister piano man we can't all be as gifted as you, now can we?" I love when she gets all flustered, when her comebacks are delayed, but mostly when she laughs about it. I often catch her laughing at herself when she thinks no-one sees. I love when she smiles and her eyes perk up and best of all when she kisses me, like now, pulling me down to her, claiming my lips and forcing every ounce of passion from her to me.
I watch her sleep, her breathing's deep and peaceful, every exhalation pushing her hair from her eyes. My hand reaches out to the hair, to tuck it behind her ear, so that I can get a better look at her serene face. I move closer to her form wishing I was as light as a feather. "Gently, gently," I remind myself so as not to interrupt her slumber. We lay side-by-side, face-to-face. I stop my inching when she stirs slightly. "Damn did I wake her?" I ask myself. Her body seeks the comfort of mine, just as I sought her, moulding her body to mine, lacing her legs with mine, breating in the air I breathe out. Her eyes flutter and I hope it's a good dream; I hope she's dreaming of me. I close my eyes ready for sleep to kidnap me and smile with surprise as her lips touch mine. I hear her whisper low in my ear: "No-one's as gifted as you at loving me, mister piano man..."

Sanctified Sundays

2009-10-02T04:17:00.004-05:00

My momma always said that an amount of hoarded dust could form a man.
So what would happen if, as I stand digging my toes in the sand, a mighty gust would blow and swirl the grains of sand, would a figure appear? What could that figure be if he grabs my hand gently to him?
The ocean is calming and cool and I feel the chameleon in me change colours from the fiery red to the tranquil blue. And his grip tightens. I think he senses my hesitance: My 'Sandman' he says his name is.
My toes seek after the earthy grains and its welcoming warmth again. I breathe deeply and take in every salty-sweet scent. And he hugs me close, my hands still locked in his. And I glance down at myself to notice pearl beading across a white silken gown billowing in the wind, its so long it pools in the moist sand. Automatically my hand flies to my hair flowing down my back and around my shoulders in waves and curls- What is today?
"My muscles are all bunched up, my nerves tethered and tied to balloon strings..."
The clouds come rolling in and in my ear I hear: "Mighty the showers of blessing" and a drop or two graze my nose and his lips touch my cheek.
My Sandman scribbles in the moist sand: "Happiness is what you make of it, little girl" and just below that he carves the sand with the words: "Will you be happy with me? Could you be happy with a sandman as a husband?" and he slowly curves a heart around the words: "Would you be mine?"
And I smile because this little girl knows that this right here is everything she's ever dreamt of.

The Death Day Brigadier

2009-09-18T02:17:00.005-05:00

We stand side by side on the ledge. It's time to fall for nothing and stand for something. Unhook your fingers from mine and watch as I go.
"Your Grace? Your Worship? Your Honour?" I plead. This sentence is over now let me speak.

My air supply diminishes; the heaving of my chest slows as permanent sleep comes naturally.
(Death Day Brigadier please, oh please will you can the ad libs? This isn't a commentary hour it's my life.)
This feeling its waning: it's just like 'sweet release' and nothing.

I think my lungs have stopped working. Something's happening and all I can think about is trivialities like the too bright sun.
My lungs hurt more than I care to know. I hate how you can make me miss something I never knew I wanted, never knew I needed... never knew I had...

I do have my head in the clouds and I like it.

The Ruby Bracelet

2009-09-03T03:35:00.006-05:00

Splash, split, split, splash. I heard the ironic liquid pool before I saw anything. But when my eyes opened they caught her dark ones fueled by pain, then moved over her face, glimpsed the dusting of freckles now moist, before gazing at her dark curtaining hair. But none of that shocked me more that seeing that... seeing the aura of black around her. With each slowly ticking second passing us by the pool of red grew deeper on the hardwood floors. But my eyes flew back to her eyes, so dark, so pained it was enough to knock the breath from my lonely lungs.
Split, split, splash. She looked down and my gaze followed hers to the ruby bracelet just beneath the gash and my eyes became hers and I saw as she saw: the hand reaching for the drawer, the fingers grasping the silver handle, the blade gleaming menacingly under the flickering fluorescent light. And I aged about a millennium within a second.
My eye lids began to droop, fatigue arresting my body. With every drop of her blood that fell my heart beat in answer. I could see her bloodied palm as she once again aimed at my heart, my mind raced but my body forgot how to fight. My heart beat louder shredding at its bindings. She moved forward and so did I, knowing how the knife would barrel through my heart and I was ready.
A split second was all it took, with a simple flick of her wrist she forced the blade through her own chest. And I crumpled to the ground, lying in the pool of blood that was my own. And I knew she would be fine as she sweetly sang: "silent night... holy night... all is calm... all is bright..." My breathing shallowed. I raised my left hand, bloodied and still clutching my murder weapon.
I heard the liquid pool before I saw anything. But her eyes now glowing and brown held mine... no they were mine. She is me and I am her and we're both as light as a feather. She saintly whispers: "I love you and goodbye, go because it is time to go".

"Bambi"

2009-09-03T03:08:00.003-05:00

As The Deer
You're my friend and you are my brother, even though you are a king. I love you more than any other, so much more than anything. -M.Nystrom
For JJ: thank you for being you.
I rememeber when everything was "because I'm king" and laugh each time you say "Linz you're just 'weak'". I love how you can take ordinary things and make it extra-ordinary and don't forget you built your own comfy couch 'cos you're just cool like that'.
I don't usually show my sisterly appreciation but I've come to learn that you are you and uniquely so. Thank you for being my 'little' brother.
(luv ya lots just like jelly tots)

rainy day women need to be - thats it

2009-09-03T02:31:00.003-05:00

I hate that you've already made your mind up but then again that's how I feel, just my opinion, nothing questionable.
I think you talk just to fill the silence and I laugh because silence is golden and I want silver lined pockets.
"What's your story?" you ask and my smile, mischievous as always, sparks doubting thoughts inside your head. "I really don't know, haven't written it yet..." and truly I haven't.
"You have a healthy baby boy," the doc announces beaming brightly at you and me. "Have you picked out a name yet?" I nod, "He will be my little Procrastination Junior and he will grow to be just like his father..." and you smile because you're just that proud.
And I hate that you've already made up your mind, you want to teach him to play football and play the sax and its fine... for now. But you put off teaching him his 'ABC's' because they're so easy like '123' because his momma is taking care of him.
And I hate that in all of this I've allowed you to make up your mind and forgotten how to think in a way that is all my own.
I hate that you've already made your mind up but then again that is how I feel and thank god I have an opinion and its all questionable because its mine: thought up by me, myself and I.
And I don't care... so get gone and stay gone. Now my minds all made up.

"some will win, some will lose, some are born to sing the blues"

2009-09-01T08:54:00.003-05:00

i smile at the sign tattoed on the bedroom wall, it says "Handle With Care", its bold letters shining in the mid-day sun. my heart screams out an audible: "please do" but i hope you don't hear it because i know better and whisper in your ear: "get rid of those rubber gloves". i'm not That fragile, but still shivers creep down my spine.
after its all said, its done, its over and its out i never feel empty anymore just hollow, like a hollowed-out pumpkin missing her shell.

am i ready to take the chance that my prince will never come?

i don't want them anymore, they're all yours... goodluck & goodbye

quagmire of sorts

2009-08-25T11:23:00.000-05:00

I’m the homebody your momma warned you about, standing sentinel staring at Death as he shakes his ‘life-grip’ at me
Disabled, in a bombers wheelchair going three-sixty in a trench-coat-only zone... “You haven’t beaten this subject to death; you’ve just got it in a coma.”
I’m back-broken and re-looking for nonsensical drama, got any?

The speed-dating company’s my biggest fan ‘cause I still haven’t found a man. Boy, oh boy. This seems disjointed, now it’s time to re-mantle my brain and make some cents.
The news is good but the bones are tired from being crushed by the hurricane you appear to be.
There’s nothing left to talk about yet we keep talking.

A hollowed-out body full of soul, fire and passion. My mission if I choose to accept is to handcuff you to me and throw away the key.

killing me with a ballpoint pen

2009-08-21T10:09:00.001-05:00

My heart not yet a whole, sort a match
“Who are you?”
“How do you do?”
A half now a whole...

A plea forced through lips
“I need you here, now and ever...”
And in this dream, shocking it may be
I see you and me: soul intertwined

The night was young:
An orange sunset, another memory;
How quickly happiness fades in the face of fear...
She sat, head in hands, hating herself... unable to
Breathe... she now knew...

Music calms the soul
Love calms the heart
He calms my body- fully
The waves lap at our feet
Surreal outer body,
Out of sight, out of mind,
Out... nowhere to be found
Clandestine arrivals

1147

2009-08-19T06:01:00.001-05:00

and the winter began to thaw
as its day awoke & dawned
from its sleeping slumber

whisper campaign

2009-08-18T05:57:00.003-05:00

the innocence in her eyes spoke volumes.
he wanted what he shouldn't have.
her bottom lip felt moist, warm & just a little rough from her near-constant gnawing at it.
his fingers grazed her hair and an electric current shot straight from her to him.
and all was silent as they stood; as their eyes met...

!!!

2009-08-15T12:12:00.001-05:00

I’m stuck in a windowless room with the lights off staring at your face on a freight train...
This so totally sucks: why, why, why Delilah...
oh, sweetest composure...
That was a fad...
this is love... you are lust and I am fire...
caution signs are posted everywhere. If you want me beware.
It’s true what your morning paper said: friends do come and go...
it’s an indication of an altercation...
they wrote of love flowing from veins...
but you are written in my blood. Make me boil and burn from the inside out.

with a thump & a splatter

2009-08-15T12:04:00.002-05:00

I see him standing there staring at my face, the tears staining my cheeks as they mix with the red of my blush. I see him... with awe in his eyes. A light bulb clicks ‘on’ in my head: I love this man and really don’t care how much it’s gonna hurt. I see him looking at me, standing there with my heart in his hand... and I don’t care that he might crush it swiftly between his fingers.
In my head I see through his eyes: he sees my heart in his large palm, pumping the very blood now rushing to my face in overbearing amounts. He stares at the heart as it pumps, pumps, pumps my love for him. He stares at his hand and unknowingly turns his hand over so slowly. It’s like time hates us so much she just stopped moving with us.
Nooooo! No! No! My head aches, my stomach lurches. My heart stops pumping, pumping, pumping as it no longer beats in his hand. He sees the shock my eyes now own and turns away from my dead limp body, my heart lying in a pool of my own blood beside me.
This is going to hurt in the morning!

vandag sien ek!

2009-08-12T06:47:00.002-05:00

today i see
i always thought i knew you,but found i only knew a facade. i dreamt you knew me, from the inside out, upside down, bottom to top. i took a journey to find me... each footstep took me closer to the radiance of you. today i saw two strangers walking hand in hand on opposite ends of a parallel line...today i see...today i see!

recycling is the way to go i believe...

Original thought processing

2009-07-30T05:40:00.002-05:00

with all new technologies right at our finger-tips, it is sort of hard to take a step back and think for ourselves. is it just me or have we no use for our noodles?
i would hate to be around when a thing as priceless as a book is no longer seen as a treasure... oops, i forgot... the dawn of that age already occured, i just didn't pay attention back then.
we've allowed things to be done for far too long now.
why is it that something as simple as which sandwich to order for lunch can delude us so?
can't we please go back a few decades and learn to appreciate the simple things in life?
when did it become okay to allow all of this and why wasn't i there to canvass against the inhumane way we now live.
don't get me wrong there are many benefits (that i'm not going to acknowledge right now).
am i just ranting and raving here for the fun of it?
MAKE A DECISION ALREADY!!!!