I put paper to pen and somehow it just all makes sense...
I’m not not happy... weird thing though: I’m not sad but I’m also not happy.
We’ll forever keep the happy memories, laugh about the fights shared, learn from the hardships and cherish every moment spent with the ones we love.
The sands in the hour glass are running up pushing against the gravitational stream which is time and I’m here lining the walkway with shoes and clothes and things, because that is the only way to be happy.
It smells like rain; fresh, intoxicating and having the power to wipe away the bad and leave only the good, the new and the pretty.
But we never see what’s hiding, do we?
31 December 2009
22 December 2009
Weathered and beaten to a pulp: because oranges hate to be eaten for empathy’s sake.
Come take my sunshine away... I love this halogen light that’s gonna kill the night. Please no more rehearsed and calculated strategies. You’re my bleeding heart so dry your tears with dry ice for my sob story tonight.
Deep dark and handsome... Go on: cut the silence with your doubled-edged sword and lick the wounds before you throw me over-board to float your own boat up a waterfall because I’m the swing vote.
I’m the socket you’re the plug, wanna see sparks fly? I need an outlet but the mall’s too far away.
I need a medium to channel the ghosts of nj’s past, but this tee’s too small just don’t mention the skinny j’s (cut off at the knees).
Its plutonium love, my precognitive dreamer so sleep, you don’t have to fear the unknown, you don’t have to fear... any dream will do.
Deep dark and handsome... Go on: cut the silence with your doubled-edged sword and lick the wounds before you throw me over-board to float your own boat up a waterfall because I’m the swing vote.
I’m the socket you’re the plug, wanna see sparks fly? I need an outlet but the mall’s too far away.
I need a medium to channel the ghosts of nj’s past, but this tee’s too small just don’t mention the skinny j’s (cut off at the knees).
Its plutonium love, my precognitive dreamer so sleep, you don’t have to fear the unknown, you don’t have to fear... any dream will do.
18 December 2009
Teasing at electrified air
“’Like a pillar: seen not heard but carrying the weight!’ Is this your mantra?” he asked reading the cue-cards I’d spent the last few minutes on.
“Mantra? I believe it if that’s what you’re asking. I respect it if that’s what you’re too afraid to ask. I fear that one day I’ll be exactly like it and I fear that I never will be able to carry the weight,” my explanation wasn’t what he’d wanted, I knew that because I knew him... know him. He never meant for me to be angry, always trying to protect me, even from me.
“Sorry,” he mumbled inaudibly, leaving me at the table to go rummage through the pantry for a snack.
“Hey, I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to be so mean. I’m too much in my own head, I don’t realise what I’m saying until after I’ve hurt you,” I said sliding myself onto the counter talking to his back.
“Cookies or candy?” he asked holding a bag of choc-chip cookies and another of my favourite red liquorice sticks.
“Cookies,” I instinctively answered. “No, wait... candy. Could we just try both?” I asked sheepishly.
“Sure,” he said planting a kiss on my forehead, sweeping my too long bangs back behind my ear. “Anything you want,” that was all I needed to hear to know I was forgiven.
“Where’re you going without me?” I asked trying to clamour down from the counter. Noticing my struggle he came to my aid, standing between my legs forcing our torsos against each other, to pick me up in his arms. I quickly kissed his cheek but he didn’t let go, trying to hold onto me for a little longer.
Swiftly he took my face in his hands holding my chin, tilting it up so that I could see his every intention in his eyes.
The kiss was rough and with every second passing us by, increased exponentially in passion until both were crying out for air.
As lips broke apart nimble fingers sort supple, tender, taut flesh. Bodies inched closer making intentions known loudly and clearly as our brains shut down and our bodies took over. Passion ignited as our bodies forgot how to act and remembered how to play.
“I was always rushing never savouring a single moment in time. Now I’m just set on experiencing this one with you,” I said breaking our kiss as he carried me out the kitchen.
“No cue-cards needed?”
“No cue-cards needed,” I agreed kissing him again and again and again.
“Mantra? I believe it if that’s what you’re asking. I respect it if that’s what you’re too afraid to ask. I fear that one day I’ll be exactly like it and I fear that I never will be able to carry the weight,” my explanation wasn’t what he’d wanted, I knew that because I knew him... know him. He never meant for me to be angry, always trying to protect me, even from me.
“Sorry,” he mumbled inaudibly, leaving me at the table to go rummage through the pantry for a snack.
“Hey, I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to be so mean. I’m too much in my own head, I don’t realise what I’m saying until after I’ve hurt you,” I said sliding myself onto the counter talking to his back.
“Cookies or candy?” he asked holding a bag of choc-chip cookies and another of my favourite red liquorice sticks.
“Cookies,” I instinctively answered. “No, wait... candy. Could we just try both?” I asked sheepishly.
“Sure,” he said planting a kiss on my forehead, sweeping my too long bangs back behind my ear. “Anything you want,” that was all I needed to hear to know I was forgiven.
“Where’re you going without me?” I asked trying to clamour down from the counter. Noticing my struggle he came to my aid, standing between my legs forcing our torsos against each other, to pick me up in his arms. I quickly kissed his cheek but he didn’t let go, trying to hold onto me for a little longer.
Swiftly he took my face in his hands holding my chin, tilting it up so that I could see his every intention in his eyes.
The kiss was rough and with every second passing us by, increased exponentially in passion until both were crying out for air.
As lips broke apart nimble fingers sort supple, tender, taut flesh. Bodies inched closer making intentions known loudly and clearly as our brains shut down and our bodies took over. Passion ignited as our bodies forgot how to act and remembered how to play.
“I was always rushing never savouring a single moment in time. Now I’m just set on experiencing this one with you,” I said breaking our kiss as he carried me out the kitchen.
“No cue-cards needed?”
“No cue-cards needed,” I agreed kissing him again and again and again.
11 December 2009
Burning Man
I greatly appreciate how you can entice that part of me, the part that burns (It could just be the heat from the house burning to the ground).
My eyes narrow and I know you feel the fire licking at your heels as you flee to escape the wreck we’ve created. The ash clouds your vision and I excitedly squeal as your breathing hitches. You cough, you sweat, you run, you fight to leave the blazing that keeps its tempo. I jump up and down like the fangirl I am. The biggest sadistic smile pasted to my mouth.
Your air is murkier, your oxygen escaping your lungs. My chest starts to burn and I realise I really don’t care. You can’t replace what you’ve never had. The heat kills it all, like I’m killing you for killing me.
I’m tipsy and each time this bottle spills the fire sparks anew. Am I digging my own grave or just fuelling your own fire?
I really should stop believing everything you say. For strong I shall be, no matter how timid I feel.
I’m numb again. The fire has burned out… all emotion, all sensation, all of me.
My eyes narrow and I know you feel the fire licking at your heels as you flee to escape the wreck we’ve created. The ash clouds your vision and I excitedly squeal as your breathing hitches. You cough, you sweat, you run, you fight to leave the blazing that keeps its tempo. I jump up and down like the fangirl I am. The biggest sadistic smile pasted to my mouth.
Your air is murkier, your oxygen escaping your lungs. My chest starts to burn and I realise I really don’t care. You can’t replace what you’ve never had. The heat kills it all, like I’m killing you for killing me.
I’m tipsy and each time this bottle spills the fire sparks anew. Am I digging my own grave or just fuelling your own fire?
I really should stop believing everything you say. For strong I shall be, no matter how timid I feel.
I’m numb again. The fire has burned out… all emotion, all sensation, all of me.
“My Mood is Foul it Clouds the Sky”
Damn, my powers of speech suck. I need a new brain anyway, to think. Just please don’t fill my head with silly ideas of love and ‘suicidal propaganda’. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m the bad guy, the bad influence for falling for every gory detail you spew at me.
When you say, “that can never happen again,” and you get this guilty look on your blushing face, I know you’re thinking about the next time you get to experience anything close to this.
I know sarcasm isn’t greatly received so deadpan your dreams because we’re all stuck and going nowhere but straight to hell, “please pass limbo and forget to collect your two-hundred pictures of me”.
You’re not always going to be there for me… I’m broken inside and out and this song of hate has turned into a sad love song… but I want the anger to consume me more than you ever have.
You’re guilty through association. Deal with it!
When you say, “that can never happen again,” and you get this guilty look on your blushing face, I know you’re thinking about the next time you get to experience anything close to this.
I know sarcasm isn’t greatly received so deadpan your dreams because we’re all stuck and going nowhere but straight to hell, “please pass limbo and forget to collect your two-hundred pictures of me”.
You’re not always going to be there for me… I’m broken inside and out and this song of hate has turned into a sad love song… but I want the anger to consume me more than you ever have.
You’re guilty through association. Deal with it!
04 December 2009
Hallowed Be Your Name
“I’m down on my knees and begging you please to ease my sorrow,” I yelled in the cathedral. “Give me wings and make me fearless,” I begged the silent room. “I’m exhausted,” I breathed attempting to start a conversation with the air.
“You’re also smelly, in dire need of a shower and I’m sure food would be welcomed,” she smiled as my belly answered before I could. “You know He listens,” she nonchalantly said pointing to the ceiling with a knowing smile plastered to her lips. “Just not to me,” she stated barely audibly to my buzzing ears.
She started making her way to the end of the pew. I thought for sure she’d just keep walking, leaving me alone as everyone potentially does, but she stopped looking me up and down. I could see my own sorrow mirrored in her and my heart it just cracked.
I quickly bowed my head creating a cross in the sky with my head, my eyes pausing at every corner. I forced myself to my feet to follow her speedy paces. She was fast, but I hadn’t trained on the track for half my life, for nothing. I snatched her arm and saw her smile as she turned to me.
“There’s history behind blood shot eyes and short lived future to come,” she said as though reading it in the stars. Gripping my waist she pulled me close, to rest her head against my chest. “Praise and thank Him for deliverance,” she whispered sweeping her hand across the crucifix inked into my skin. “Rejoice for He really is good and don’t forget to pray. He listens,” she finished looking into my eyes once again. A wave of guilt washed over me and I closed my eyes to break the connection. When I re-opened them she was gone as though she never was. As though the dark hair, as shocking as the ravens fluttering overhead, the pale skin as white as the snow and those lips, now etched in my memory, as red as the blood now pumping in my once cold veins, never existed.
She reminded me of someone I once knew but I still couldn’t place my finger on it, maybe she was just a fallen angel helping lost boys find their way home again. Maybe...maybe...
“You’re also smelly, in dire need of a shower and I’m sure food would be welcomed,” she smiled as my belly answered before I could. “You know He listens,” she nonchalantly said pointing to the ceiling with a knowing smile plastered to her lips. “Just not to me,” she stated barely audibly to my buzzing ears.
She started making her way to the end of the pew. I thought for sure she’d just keep walking, leaving me alone as everyone potentially does, but she stopped looking me up and down. I could see my own sorrow mirrored in her and my heart it just cracked.
I quickly bowed my head creating a cross in the sky with my head, my eyes pausing at every corner. I forced myself to my feet to follow her speedy paces. She was fast, but I hadn’t trained on the track for half my life, for nothing. I snatched her arm and saw her smile as she turned to me.
“There’s history behind blood shot eyes and short lived future to come,” she said as though reading it in the stars. Gripping my waist she pulled me close, to rest her head against my chest. “Praise and thank Him for deliverance,” she whispered sweeping her hand across the crucifix inked into my skin. “Rejoice for He really is good and don’t forget to pray. He listens,” she finished looking into my eyes once again. A wave of guilt washed over me and I closed my eyes to break the connection. When I re-opened them she was gone as though she never was. As though the dark hair, as shocking as the ravens fluttering overhead, the pale skin as white as the snow and those lips, now etched in my memory, as red as the blood now pumping in my once cold veins, never existed.
She reminded me of someone I once knew but I still couldn’t place my finger on it, maybe she was just a fallen angel helping lost boys find their way home again. Maybe...maybe...
Clichés & Platitudes
My disco lights just gave up and I feel exactly the same. Today is not the best day but we learn to make the most.
Is life just a perpetual palindrome?
I don’t want to be mediocre or extraordinary. I just want to be me when I’m with you. I want to re-write my past to include you in my future.
Understandably who I am’s not who you want to be because I’m me, me, meme, me: the warm-up opera singer’s understudy.
This isn’t here to make sense it’s just my randomized brain relating to the weather.
I don’t want to be the girl who got the story, the foot-notes to the after party; I want to be the one that gets the song.
Love has never yet existed for me so I stand in the cold alone, surrounded by thousands of couples staring at a gigantic clock counting down the seconds... the seconds...the clock... the kiss...
I stand here searching for my soul mate, everything less is not for me. But I’m bound to break my own rules sooner or later.
Is life just a perpetual palindrome?
I don’t want to be mediocre or extraordinary. I just want to be me when I’m with you. I want to re-write my past to include you in my future.
Understandably who I am’s not who you want to be because I’m me, me, meme, me: the warm-up opera singer’s understudy.
This isn’t here to make sense it’s just my randomized brain relating to the weather.
I don’t want to be the girl who got the story, the foot-notes to the after party; I want to be the one that gets the song.
Love has never yet existed for me so I stand in the cold alone, surrounded by thousands of couples staring at a gigantic clock counting down the seconds... the seconds...the clock... the kiss...
I stand here searching for my soul mate, everything less is not for me. But I’m bound to break my own rules sooner or later.
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