I put paper to pen and somehow it just all makes sense...
I’m not not happy... weird thing though: I’m not sad but I’m also not happy.
We’ll forever keep the happy memories, laugh about the fights shared, learn from the hardships and cherish every moment spent with the ones we love.
The sands in the hour glass are running up pushing against the gravitational stream which is time and I’m here lining the walkway with shoes and clothes and things, because that is the only way to be happy.
It smells like rain; fresh, intoxicating and having the power to wipe away the bad and leave only the good, the new and the pretty.
But we never see what’s hiding, do we?
31 December 2009
22 December 2009
Weathered and beaten to a pulp: because oranges hate to be eaten for empathy’s sake.
Come take my sunshine away... I love this halogen light that’s gonna kill the night. Please no more rehearsed and calculated strategies. You’re my bleeding heart so dry your tears with dry ice for my sob story tonight.
Deep dark and handsome... Go on: cut the silence with your doubled-edged sword and lick the wounds before you throw me over-board to float your own boat up a waterfall because I’m the swing vote.
I’m the socket you’re the plug, wanna see sparks fly? I need an outlet but the mall’s too far away.
I need a medium to channel the ghosts of nj’s past, but this tee’s too small just don’t mention the skinny j’s (cut off at the knees).
Its plutonium love, my precognitive dreamer so sleep, you don’t have to fear the unknown, you don’t have to fear... any dream will do.
Deep dark and handsome... Go on: cut the silence with your doubled-edged sword and lick the wounds before you throw me over-board to float your own boat up a waterfall because I’m the swing vote.
I’m the socket you’re the plug, wanna see sparks fly? I need an outlet but the mall’s too far away.
I need a medium to channel the ghosts of nj’s past, but this tee’s too small just don’t mention the skinny j’s (cut off at the knees).
Its plutonium love, my precognitive dreamer so sleep, you don’t have to fear the unknown, you don’t have to fear... any dream will do.
18 December 2009
Teasing at electrified air
“’Like a pillar: seen not heard but carrying the weight!’ Is this your mantra?” he asked reading the cue-cards I’d spent the last few minutes on.
“Mantra? I believe it if that’s what you’re asking. I respect it if that’s what you’re too afraid to ask. I fear that one day I’ll be exactly like it and I fear that I never will be able to carry the weight,” my explanation wasn’t what he’d wanted, I knew that because I knew him... know him. He never meant for me to be angry, always trying to protect me, even from me.
“Sorry,” he mumbled inaudibly, leaving me at the table to go rummage through the pantry for a snack.
“Hey, I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to be so mean. I’m too much in my own head, I don’t realise what I’m saying until after I’ve hurt you,” I said sliding myself onto the counter talking to his back.
“Cookies or candy?” he asked holding a bag of choc-chip cookies and another of my favourite red liquorice sticks.
“Cookies,” I instinctively answered. “No, wait... candy. Could we just try both?” I asked sheepishly.
“Sure,” he said planting a kiss on my forehead, sweeping my too long bangs back behind my ear. “Anything you want,” that was all I needed to hear to know I was forgiven.
“Where’re you going without me?” I asked trying to clamour down from the counter. Noticing my struggle he came to my aid, standing between my legs forcing our torsos against each other, to pick me up in his arms. I quickly kissed his cheek but he didn’t let go, trying to hold onto me for a little longer.
Swiftly he took my face in his hands holding my chin, tilting it up so that I could see his every intention in his eyes.
The kiss was rough and with every second passing us by, increased exponentially in passion until both were crying out for air.
As lips broke apart nimble fingers sort supple, tender, taut flesh. Bodies inched closer making intentions known loudly and clearly as our brains shut down and our bodies took over. Passion ignited as our bodies forgot how to act and remembered how to play.
“I was always rushing never savouring a single moment in time. Now I’m just set on experiencing this one with you,” I said breaking our kiss as he carried me out the kitchen.
“No cue-cards needed?”
“No cue-cards needed,” I agreed kissing him again and again and again.
“Mantra? I believe it if that’s what you’re asking. I respect it if that’s what you’re too afraid to ask. I fear that one day I’ll be exactly like it and I fear that I never will be able to carry the weight,” my explanation wasn’t what he’d wanted, I knew that because I knew him... know him. He never meant for me to be angry, always trying to protect me, even from me.
“Sorry,” he mumbled inaudibly, leaving me at the table to go rummage through the pantry for a snack.
“Hey, I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to be so mean. I’m too much in my own head, I don’t realise what I’m saying until after I’ve hurt you,” I said sliding myself onto the counter talking to his back.
“Cookies or candy?” he asked holding a bag of choc-chip cookies and another of my favourite red liquorice sticks.
“Cookies,” I instinctively answered. “No, wait... candy. Could we just try both?” I asked sheepishly.
“Sure,” he said planting a kiss on my forehead, sweeping my too long bangs back behind my ear. “Anything you want,” that was all I needed to hear to know I was forgiven.
“Where’re you going without me?” I asked trying to clamour down from the counter. Noticing my struggle he came to my aid, standing between my legs forcing our torsos against each other, to pick me up in his arms. I quickly kissed his cheek but he didn’t let go, trying to hold onto me for a little longer.
Swiftly he took my face in his hands holding my chin, tilting it up so that I could see his every intention in his eyes.
The kiss was rough and with every second passing us by, increased exponentially in passion until both were crying out for air.
As lips broke apart nimble fingers sort supple, tender, taut flesh. Bodies inched closer making intentions known loudly and clearly as our brains shut down and our bodies took over. Passion ignited as our bodies forgot how to act and remembered how to play.
“I was always rushing never savouring a single moment in time. Now I’m just set on experiencing this one with you,” I said breaking our kiss as he carried me out the kitchen.
“No cue-cards needed?”
“No cue-cards needed,” I agreed kissing him again and again and again.
11 December 2009
Burning Man
I greatly appreciate how you can entice that part of me, the part that burns (It could just be the heat from the house burning to the ground).
My eyes narrow and I know you feel the fire licking at your heels as you flee to escape the wreck we’ve created. The ash clouds your vision and I excitedly squeal as your breathing hitches. You cough, you sweat, you run, you fight to leave the blazing that keeps its tempo. I jump up and down like the fangirl I am. The biggest sadistic smile pasted to my mouth.
Your air is murkier, your oxygen escaping your lungs. My chest starts to burn and I realise I really don’t care. You can’t replace what you’ve never had. The heat kills it all, like I’m killing you for killing me.
I’m tipsy and each time this bottle spills the fire sparks anew. Am I digging my own grave or just fuelling your own fire?
I really should stop believing everything you say. For strong I shall be, no matter how timid I feel.
I’m numb again. The fire has burned out… all emotion, all sensation, all of me.
My eyes narrow and I know you feel the fire licking at your heels as you flee to escape the wreck we’ve created. The ash clouds your vision and I excitedly squeal as your breathing hitches. You cough, you sweat, you run, you fight to leave the blazing that keeps its tempo. I jump up and down like the fangirl I am. The biggest sadistic smile pasted to my mouth.
Your air is murkier, your oxygen escaping your lungs. My chest starts to burn and I realise I really don’t care. You can’t replace what you’ve never had. The heat kills it all, like I’m killing you for killing me.
I’m tipsy and each time this bottle spills the fire sparks anew. Am I digging my own grave or just fuelling your own fire?
I really should stop believing everything you say. For strong I shall be, no matter how timid I feel.
I’m numb again. The fire has burned out… all emotion, all sensation, all of me.
“My Mood is Foul it Clouds the Sky”
Damn, my powers of speech suck. I need a new brain anyway, to think. Just please don’t fill my head with silly ideas of love and ‘suicidal propaganda’. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m the bad guy, the bad influence for falling for every gory detail you spew at me.
When you say, “that can never happen again,” and you get this guilty look on your blushing face, I know you’re thinking about the next time you get to experience anything close to this.
I know sarcasm isn’t greatly received so deadpan your dreams because we’re all stuck and going nowhere but straight to hell, “please pass limbo and forget to collect your two-hundred pictures of me”.
You’re not always going to be there for me… I’m broken inside and out and this song of hate has turned into a sad love song… but I want the anger to consume me more than you ever have.
You’re guilty through association. Deal with it!
When you say, “that can never happen again,” and you get this guilty look on your blushing face, I know you’re thinking about the next time you get to experience anything close to this.
I know sarcasm isn’t greatly received so deadpan your dreams because we’re all stuck and going nowhere but straight to hell, “please pass limbo and forget to collect your two-hundred pictures of me”.
You’re not always going to be there for me… I’m broken inside and out and this song of hate has turned into a sad love song… but I want the anger to consume me more than you ever have.
You’re guilty through association. Deal with it!
04 December 2009
Hallowed Be Your Name
“I’m down on my knees and begging you please to ease my sorrow,” I yelled in the cathedral. “Give me wings and make me fearless,” I begged the silent room. “I’m exhausted,” I breathed attempting to start a conversation with the air.
“You’re also smelly, in dire need of a shower and I’m sure food would be welcomed,” she smiled as my belly answered before I could. “You know He listens,” she nonchalantly said pointing to the ceiling with a knowing smile plastered to her lips. “Just not to me,” she stated barely audibly to my buzzing ears.
She started making her way to the end of the pew. I thought for sure she’d just keep walking, leaving me alone as everyone potentially does, but she stopped looking me up and down. I could see my own sorrow mirrored in her and my heart it just cracked.
I quickly bowed my head creating a cross in the sky with my head, my eyes pausing at every corner. I forced myself to my feet to follow her speedy paces. She was fast, but I hadn’t trained on the track for half my life, for nothing. I snatched her arm and saw her smile as she turned to me.
“There’s history behind blood shot eyes and short lived future to come,” she said as though reading it in the stars. Gripping my waist she pulled me close, to rest her head against my chest. “Praise and thank Him for deliverance,” she whispered sweeping her hand across the crucifix inked into my skin. “Rejoice for He really is good and don’t forget to pray. He listens,” she finished looking into my eyes once again. A wave of guilt washed over me and I closed my eyes to break the connection. When I re-opened them she was gone as though she never was. As though the dark hair, as shocking as the ravens fluttering overhead, the pale skin as white as the snow and those lips, now etched in my memory, as red as the blood now pumping in my once cold veins, never existed.
She reminded me of someone I once knew but I still couldn’t place my finger on it, maybe she was just a fallen angel helping lost boys find their way home again. Maybe...maybe...
“You’re also smelly, in dire need of a shower and I’m sure food would be welcomed,” she smiled as my belly answered before I could. “You know He listens,” she nonchalantly said pointing to the ceiling with a knowing smile plastered to her lips. “Just not to me,” she stated barely audibly to my buzzing ears.
She started making her way to the end of the pew. I thought for sure she’d just keep walking, leaving me alone as everyone potentially does, but she stopped looking me up and down. I could see my own sorrow mirrored in her and my heart it just cracked.
I quickly bowed my head creating a cross in the sky with my head, my eyes pausing at every corner. I forced myself to my feet to follow her speedy paces. She was fast, but I hadn’t trained on the track for half my life, for nothing. I snatched her arm and saw her smile as she turned to me.
“There’s history behind blood shot eyes and short lived future to come,” she said as though reading it in the stars. Gripping my waist she pulled me close, to rest her head against my chest. “Praise and thank Him for deliverance,” she whispered sweeping her hand across the crucifix inked into my skin. “Rejoice for He really is good and don’t forget to pray. He listens,” she finished looking into my eyes once again. A wave of guilt washed over me and I closed my eyes to break the connection. When I re-opened them she was gone as though she never was. As though the dark hair, as shocking as the ravens fluttering overhead, the pale skin as white as the snow and those lips, now etched in my memory, as red as the blood now pumping in my once cold veins, never existed.
She reminded me of someone I once knew but I still couldn’t place my finger on it, maybe she was just a fallen angel helping lost boys find their way home again. Maybe...maybe...
Clichés & Platitudes
My disco lights just gave up and I feel exactly the same. Today is not the best day but we learn to make the most.
Is life just a perpetual palindrome?
I don’t want to be mediocre or extraordinary. I just want to be me when I’m with you. I want to re-write my past to include you in my future.
Understandably who I am’s not who you want to be because I’m me, me, meme, me: the warm-up opera singer’s understudy.
This isn’t here to make sense it’s just my randomized brain relating to the weather.
I don’t want to be the girl who got the story, the foot-notes to the after party; I want to be the one that gets the song.
Love has never yet existed for me so I stand in the cold alone, surrounded by thousands of couples staring at a gigantic clock counting down the seconds... the seconds...the clock... the kiss...
I stand here searching for my soul mate, everything less is not for me. But I’m bound to break my own rules sooner or later.
Is life just a perpetual palindrome?
I don’t want to be mediocre or extraordinary. I just want to be me when I’m with you. I want to re-write my past to include you in my future.
Understandably who I am’s not who you want to be because I’m me, me, meme, me: the warm-up opera singer’s understudy.
This isn’t here to make sense it’s just my randomized brain relating to the weather.
I don’t want to be the girl who got the story, the foot-notes to the after party; I want to be the one that gets the song.
Love has never yet existed for me so I stand in the cold alone, surrounded by thousands of couples staring at a gigantic clock counting down the seconds... the seconds...the clock... the kiss...
I stand here searching for my soul mate, everything less is not for me. But I’m bound to break my own rules sooner or later.
27 November 2009
The Calm, The Storm, The Before, The After
If I wish upon a star can I wish on the one you descended on? But i guess complacency is not yet mine. I just need a fix...
I need to twist the cap off and feel the liquid flow freely down my throat, to have it forgive my sins and all my transgressions.
Gelatine based muscles...Hallucinogenic mixtures. I’m giddy, I’m all jittery as f*ck. My muscles are all bunched up, my nerves tethered and tied to balloon strings... At the moment all I have is this cup of coffee and a fake smile to keep me running on un-empty. Your hand in mine would surely help me soar.
I feel the effects at last: it is fast and smooth flowing into unused veins once more. Its plutonium love my precognitive dreamer, so set my broken bones because I’ve been walking down memory lane a lot lately and they’re not even good memories they’re just belated dreams forgotten seconds after thinking. It’s time to turn autopilot off.
I need you to keep pumping my blood, my heart – you’ve got it.
Am i that much of an old soul, trying not to drown in the undercurrent of non-existent love?
I need to twist the cap off and feel the liquid flow freely down my throat, to have it forgive my sins and all my transgressions.
Gelatine based muscles...Hallucinogenic mixtures. I’m giddy, I’m all jittery as f*ck. My muscles are all bunched up, my nerves tethered and tied to balloon strings... At the moment all I have is this cup of coffee and a fake smile to keep me running on un-empty. Your hand in mine would surely help me soar.
I feel the effects at last: it is fast and smooth flowing into unused veins once more. Its plutonium love my precognitive dreamer, so set my broken bones because I’ve been walking down memory lane a lot lately and they’re not even good memories they’re just belated dreams forgotten seconds after thinking. It’s time to turn autopilot off.
I need you to keep pumping my blood, my heart – you’ve got it.
Am i that much of an old soul, trying not to drown in the undercurrent of non-existent love?
19 November 2009
She whispered I love you but he was already gone
The wind whispers in my ear and I pray it’s you telling me it will all be right.
My voice it disappears. I’m losing my will to sing and I’m scared. What else am I good at?
I’ve never dreamt this could happen. I fight a battle already lost. Hope keeps bypassing me for you.
It seems dark but the sun shines through molten clouds.
I croak out a tune and hold my throat.
“Bite your tongue,” I want to scream but pray instead, making the air around solemn and sacred.
You touch my hands and flinch because they’re as cold and hard as ice.
My lips are blue and yet they hunger for you. Breathe life back into me to see the sun shine through the darkest clouds.
I know in my heart of hearts that you never meant it. You’re incapable of causing pain, I know.
Time has come and time has gone, so thank you for the memories, enjoy life and have fun.
I scream but my mouth remains closed because missing you is not an option anymore.
I think it takes guts to call it quits. I’m quitting you!
The gravity of it all just hit.
There’s a space where your heart used to beat in unison with mine. There’s a hole where my heart is… used to be…
Behind the curtain I change becoming the ugly moth once again. The clocks struck twelve, so I test my tired wings. No more butterflies and princes for me, just the dull thudding of drums in my head and angels voices in my ears.
Love hurts, everybody says so. I guess that’s why I’ve never allowed myself to dabble in it fully, always afraid of the pain. I guess I’m sick and tired of the fear, I want to feel the pain at least when it’s all over I could say I Have Loved. It might just be with the tiniest part of my heart or with every ounce of my soul but it will be love.
I’m on fire like a barroom burning to the ground.
If I die in my sleep just know that’s the reason why.
I want to continue the search for love. But my wings are tired and my eyes droopy, I think it’s time to rest. My jetlag is now permanent.
The wind whispers in my ear and I pray it is you telling me it will all be right.
My voice it disappears. I’m losing my will to sing and I’m scared. What else am I good at?
I’ve never dreamt this could happen. I fight a battle already lost. Hope keeps bypassing me for you.
It seems dark but the sun shines through molten clouds.
I croak out a tune and hold my throat.
“Bite your tongue,” I want to scream but pray instead, making the air around solemn and sacred.
You touch my hands and flinch because they’re as cold and hard as ice.
My lips are blue and yet they hunger for you. Breathe life back into me to see the sun shine through the darkest clouds.
I know in my heart of hearts that you never meant it. You’re incapable of causing pain, I know.
Time has come and time has gone, so thank you for the memories, enjoy life and have fun.
I scream but my mouth remains closed because missing you is not an option anymore.
I think it takes guts to call it quits. I’m quitting you!
The gravity of it all just hit.
There’s a space where your heart used to beat in unison with mine. There’s a hole where my heart is… used to be…
Behind the curtain I change becoming the ugly moth once again. The clocks struck twelve, so I test my tired wings. No more butterflies and princes for me, just the dull thudding of drums in my head and angels voices in my ears.
Love hurts, everybody says so. I guess that’s why I’ve never allowed myself to dabble in it fully, always afraid of the pain. I guess I’m sick and tired of the fear, I want to feel the pain at least when it’s all over I could say I Have Loved. It might just be with the tiniest part of my heart or with every ounce of my soul but it will be love.
I’m on fire like a barroom burning to the ground.
If I die in my sleep just know that’s the reason why.
I want to continue the search for love. But my wings are tired and my eyes droopy, I think it’s time to rest. My jetlag is now permanent.
The wind whispers in my ear and I pray it is you telling me it will all be right.
Ariella
“Lost at sea or lost on land, what’s the difference?” I questioned myself. “It feels as though the end of the world is upon me, crushing my lungs between nimble fingertips and I can’t break through.”
Her eyes were glazed over. Her heart hung heavy, for life was not all it was cracked up to be.
Walking slowly and deliberately as though each step was that of one closer to her demise, she gripped the doorknob and felt it turn without her turning it. The door was soon wrenched from her grasp. Her breath caught tightly in her throat and her eyes fluttered closed…
Her prince came to save her. “I love you,” she whispered but the dream was already gone.
So she fell into the arms of another who showed his love in hateful ways but all she’d ever known was his love.
A love like no other.
Her eyes were glazed over. Her heart hung heavy, for life was not all it was cracked up to be.
Walking slowly and deliberately as though each step was that of one closer to her demise, she gripped the doorknob and felt it turn without her turning it. The door was soon wrenched from her grasp. Her breath caught tightly in her throat and her eyes fluttered closed…
Her prince came to save her. “I love you,” she whispered but the dream was already gone.
So she fell into the arms of another who showed his love in hateful ways but all she’d ever known was his love.
A love like no other.
13 November 2009
Perforated-Genius-Like-Me
The trees sway in the wind
Music pounds in my soul
The birds sing along to a dead man’s tune.
Just follow this labyrinth to my favourite haunts.
If you’re there you’re there
If not… who cares?
He lived in the past,
He was cold and hard
(Hide out; run far, far away)
He’s living in his head, resting behind locked eyes.
I’m wishing my knight could save me from this wasteland of a reality.
But I can’t keep spilling my heart for you.
It’s like knocking at a dead man’s door before an open grave just toeing the line.
Music pounds in my soul
The birds sing along to a dead man’s tune.
Just follow this labyrinth to my favourite haunts.
If you’re there you’re there
If not… who cares?
He lived in the past,
He was cold and hard
(Hide out; run far, far away)
He’s living in his head, resting behind locked eyes.
I’m wishing my knight could save me from this wasteland of a reality.
But I can’t keep spilling my heart for you.
It’s like knocking at a dead man’s door before an open grave just toeing the line.
06 November 2009
“My story? Not really sure. But yeah.”
Life was entering the boring zone. I missed him too much and couldn’t believe that I’d even gotten to this point. Life seriously was entering the boredom zone. I recently stopped singing (I can’t believe I just admitted that to you of all people, but who cares right?) I just decided it wasn’t for me anymore. I really hope you can understand my reasoning. So I’m guessing you want to know why singing isn’t my meal ticket anymore, right? I can’t write. He was my inspiration and without him here my words just seem pointless and yeah they fall on deaf ears because they’re not his ears. So yeah boredom really is my home now. Stop me already, you can’t allow me to walk the narrow path of nostalgia this way. Could we go, just leave, just disappear, just run and dance in the rain because it feels like home and I’m missing my home? Better yet let’s dance, let’s chase away the bad and let the music course and swim inside us, levitating us off the ground. I miss his arms, my permanent home…my comfort zone, so warm and inviting. The memories are fading and all I care to remember now is the outer sheath of all things good. But talking about it all with you makes me sad all over and now, I hate to admit it but I long for home. I guess I’ve opened up and laid my cards on the table face down because some things are still too primitively painful. I know it’s strange to say but I do miss singing...true my words are gone and all ears have gone deaf but my voice is newer and I never sang for you, always for me, the smile it brought to his face was just an added bonus. So let me stand tall in front of masses, letting the smile in my song travel through me like a dove searching for the perfect olive tree for its anointing.
30 October 2009
All Hallows Eve
wishing all a Happy Halloweenhope its frightfull
i might look 15 (as i've been told) but really i am only 21
27 October 2009
The prelude to the end, we knew it would inevitably happen.
Everybody's out to protect their necks and I'm just out for the count. I guess its not a secret anymore. I can't believe I'm about to say this out loud: "I hate you so much right now" and I don't know how to curb this emotion from raining down on my pathetic parade, but let the rain fall down.
It seems you've created illusions and I'm just living through them. Yeah I'll have my moments while you fuel the fire of every girls' desire but by pure design I find myself immune to your self-adhesive powers. So why are you selling yourself so hard?
Is it wrong to want you to want me?
It seems you've created illusions and I'm just living through them. Yeah I'll have my moments while you fuel the fire of every girls' desire but by pure design I find myself immune to your self-adhesive powers. So why are you selling yourself so hard?
Is it wrong to want you to want me?
Shadow Play
"Can't believe I was so excited for this day to start, now I can't wait for it to come to a screeching halt," I scream to a God who's blocked his ears from my continuous complaining.
"Do you even know what I am because I surely don't?" I'm like a shadow almost invisible but just not there yet and I know he knows.
So I sit here staring down at my reflection in a well of black that is my coffee cup and I feel like a shadow- no body, no mind, no heart and no soul.
I like being in the shadows, watching the world pass me by feeling inferior to the worldly chaos. Its time to forget so let's forget those years even existed
This is terse and tense and not how I imagined love to be. So I'm sitting here waiting for life to suck because I wanna roll with the punches and ride off into the sunset... it's true.
I guess it's true: life is too short to be anybody else. Life's all sunshine and roses when its spent with you.
"Do you even know what I am because I surely don't?" I'm like a shadow almost invisible but just not there yet and I know he knows.
So I sit here staring down at my reflection in a well of black that is my coffee cup and I feel like a shadow- no body, no mind, no heart and no soul.
I like being in the shadows, watching the world pass me by feeling inferior to the worldly chaos. Its time to forget so let's forget those years even existed
This is terse and tense and not how I imagined love to be. So I'm sitting here waiting for life to suck because I wanna roll with the punches and ride off into the sunset... it's true.
I guess it's true: life is too short to be anybody else. Life's all sunshine and roses when its spent with you.
26 October 2009
Out of Milk!
It's dark except for the light coming from the refrigerator. You stare sleepily inside, not finding what you want there. You bend over slightly searching for the milk carton but it hides from you. Your eyes look heavy with sleep so you don't see me standing in the doorway to the kitchen. You don't see my smile as I admire your messy hair, your naked chest & those blue boxers I love so much. I laugh as you jump at the purring cat sliding her body against your naked legs. I laugh louder as you curse rubbing your forehead knowing there'll be a bruise in the morning. I'm laughing so hard, I'm holding my belly lying on the wooden flooring with tears streaming down my cheeks. My eyes are tightly shut, my breathing constricted, my shoulders heaving. I'm laughing so hard I don't see you walk over to me, but I feel you now on top of me laughing with me, holding me close: I never wanna stop laughing with you... laughing with me...
Catch My Tears
Try to the end to fill the silences like the cracks in the wall of a broken-down mess of a home.
Don't say what's on your mind because I'm not ready to feel the pain. I want to be numb, numb to this world I don't want to be a part of. Catch my tears as they fall.
Catch my tears as they spill, you know they're only ever for you. I don't want to fall into the well that is you but it's too late to try to stop me, but thanks anyway.
I hurt; I hurt so much at times I want to cuddle up & throw my emotions away. My eyes twitch I think I'm tired, but I just woke from the deadest slumber. My mom says it's because I'm to see someone... When will it happen? Is it you?
Catch my tears before they fall out of reach & away they go.
Pulling myself apart to understand the aesthetics of it all, nothings one-dimensional enough for this lonely-hearts club! But I'm coming into my own skin & damn does it feel good & you're a prisoner of your own making never to be freed. Please catch my tears as they roll like scarlet pumpkins through a town of undeserving sinners.
Yesterday is lost to us. Tomorrow was never meant for us. We have tonight... let's grab it with both hands...
Don't say what's on your mind because I'm not ready to feel the pain. I want to be numb, numb to this world I don't want to be a part of. Catch my tears as they fall.
Catch my tears as they spill, you know they're only ever for you. I don't want to fall into the well that is you but it's too late to try to stop me, but thanks anyway.
I hurt; I hurt so much at times I want to cuddle up & throw my emotions away. My eyes twitch I think I'm tired, but I just woke from the deadest slumber. My mom says it's because I'm to see someone... When will it happen? Is it you?
Catch my tears before they fall out of reach & away they go.
Pulling myself apart to understand the aesthetics of it all, nothings one-dimensional enough for this lonely-hearts club! But I'm coming into my own skin & damn does it feel good & you're a prisoner of your own making never to be freed. Please catch my tears as they roll like scarlet pumpkins through a town of undeserving sinners.
Yesterday is lost to us. Tomorrow was never meant for us. We have tonight... let's grab it with both hands...
Black Jack to Vegas
Take this token as a sign of my love & appreciation.
Drop it in the slot & pull the lever.
Stand back & remember all our memories. "Ka-ching!" "Ding, ding, ding" "You've hit the jackpot!"
So fill your pockets & dig in deep.
You've gotta pull out the heart you've hidden there to make room for your winnings.
Your chest is full, your pockets lined, so wear your heart on your sleeve like I wear mine.
Now stand back, let's make new memories.
Drop it in the slot & pull the lever.
Stand back & remember all our memories. "Ka-ching!" "Ding, ding, ding" "You've hit the jackpot!"
So fill your pockets & dig in deep.
You've gotta pull out the heart you've hidden there to make room for your winnings.
Your chest is full, your pockets lined, so wear your heart on your sleeve like I wear mine.
Now stand back, let's make new memories.
05 October 2009
Indescribable with a touch of attitude
"Music to my ears..." she says conducting a symphony of non-existent musicians and instruments. She closes her eyes once more and continues her arm waving. I see that it takes every ounce of strength in her tiny body to not yell at me for openly laughing at her. "Like the top string of the lyre.." she explains after seeing my exaggerated mimicry of her movements. "I thought it was supposed to be violins in this track," I say laughing. She steps closer to me, standing on her tippy-toes and still only reaching my shoulder, "Well mister piano man we can't all be as gifted as you, now can we?" I love when she gets all flustered, when her comebacks are delayed, but mostly when she laughs about it. I often catch her laughing at herself when she thinks no-one sees. I love when she smiles and her eyes perk up and best of all when she kisses me, like now, pulling me down to her, claiming my lips and forcing every ounce of passion from her to me.
I watch her sleep, her breathing's deep and peaceful, every exhalation pushing her hair from her eyes. My hand reaches out to the hair, to tuck it behind her ear, so that I can get a better look at her serene face. I move closer to her form wishing I was as light as a feather. "Gently, gently," I remind myself so as not to interrupt her slumber. We lay side-by-side, face-to-face. I stop my inching when she stirs slightly. "Damn did I wake her?" I ask myself. Her body seeks the comfort of mine, just as I sought her, moulding her body to mine, lacing her legs with mine, breating in the air I breathe out. Her eyes flutter and I hope it's a good dream; I hope she's dreaming of me. I close my eyes ready for sleep to kidnap me and smile with surprise as her lips touch mine. I hear her whisper low in my ear: "No-one's as gifted as you at loving me, mister piano man..."
I watch her sleep, her breathing's deep and peaceful, every exhalation pushing her hair from her eyes. My hand reaches out to the hair, to tuck it behind her ear, so that I can get a better look at her serene face. I move closer to her form wishing I was as light as a feather. "Gently, gently," I remind myself so as not to interrupt her slumber. We lay side-by-side, face-to-face. I stop my inching when she stirs slightly. "Damn did I wake her?" I ask myself. Her body seeks the comfort of mine, just as I sought her, moulding her body to mine, lacing her legs with mine, breating in the air I breathe out. Her eyes flutter and I hope it's a good dream; I hope she's dreaming of me. I close my eyes ready for sleep to kidnap me and smile with surprise as her lips touch mine. I hear her whisper low in my ear: "No-one's as gifted as you at loving me, mister piano man..."
02 October 2009
Sanctified Sundays
My momma always said that an amount of hoarded dust could form a man.
So what would happen if, as I stand digging my toes in the sand, a mighty gust would blow and swirl the grains of sand, would a figure appear? What could that figure be if he grabs my hand gently to him?
The ocean is calming and cool and I feel the chameleon in me change colours from the fiery red to the tranquil blue. And his grip tightens. I think he senses my hesitance: My 'Sandman' he says his name is.
My toes seek after the earthy grains and its welcoming warmth again. I breathe deeply and take in every salty-sweet scent. And he hugs me close, my hands still locked in his. And I glance down at myself to notice pearl beading across a white silken gown billowing in the wind, its so long it pools in the moist sand. Automatically my hand flies to my hair flowing down my back and around my shoulders in waves and curls- What is today?
"My muscles are all bunched up, my nerves tethered and tied to balloon strings..."
The clouds come rolling in and in my ear I hear: "Mighty the showers of blessing" and a drop or two graze my nose and his lips touch my cheek.
My Sandman scribbles in the moist sand: "Happiness is what you make of it, little girl" and just below that he carves the sand with the words: "Will you be happy with me? Could you be happy with a sandman as a husband?" and he slowly curves a heart around the words: "Would you be mine?"
And I smile because this little girl knows that this right here is everything she's ever dreamt of.
So what would happen if, as I stand digging my toes in the sand, a mighty gust would blow and swirl the grains of sand, would a figure appear? What could that figure be if he grabs my hand gently to him?
The ocean is calming and cool and I feel the chameleon in me change colours from the fiery red to the tranquil blue. And his grip tightens. I think he senses my hesitance: My 'Sandman' he says his name is.
My toes seek after the earthy grains and its welcoming warmth again. I breathe deeply and take in every salty-sweet scent. And he hugs me close, my hands still locked in his. And I glance down at myself to notice pearl beading across a white silken gown billowing in the wind, its so long it pools in the moist sand. Automatically my hand flies to my hair flowing down my back and around my shoulders in waves and curls- What is today?
"My muscles are all bunched up, my nerves tethered and tied to balloon strings..."
The clouds come rolling in and in my ear I hear: "Mighty the showers of blessing" and a drop or two graze my nose and his lips touch my cheek.
My Sandman scribbles in the moist sand: "Happiness is what you make of it, little girl" and just below that he carves the sand with the words: "Will you be happy with me? Could you be happy with a sandman as a husband?" and he slowly curves a heart around the words: "Would you be mine?"
And I smile because this little girl knows that this right here is everything she's ever dreamt of.
18 September 2009
The Death Day Brigadier
We stand side by side on the ledge. It's time to fall for nothing and stand for something. Unhook your fingers from mine and watch as I go.
"Your Grace? Your Worship? Your Honour?" I plead. This sentence is over now let me speak.
My air supply diminishes; the heaving of my chest slows as permanent sleep comes naturally.
(Death Day Brigadier please, oh please will you can the ad libs? This isn't a commentary hour it's my life.)
This feeling its waning: it's just like 'sweet release' and nothing.
I think my lungs have stopped working. Something's happening and all I can think about is trivialities like the too bright sun.
My lungs hurt more than I care to know. I hate how you can make me miss something I never knew I wanted, never knew I needed... never knew I had...
I do have my head in the clouds and I like it.
"Your Grace? Your Worship? Your Honour?" I plead. This sentence is over now let me speak.
My air supply diminishes; the heaving of my chest slows as permanent sleep comes naturally.
(Death Day Brigadier please, oh please will you can the ad libs? This isn't a commentary hour it's my life.)
This feeling its waning: it's just like 'sweet release' and nothing.
I think my lungs have stopped working. Something's happening and all I can think about is trivialities like the too bright sun.
My lungs hurt more than I care to know. I hate how you can make me miss something I never knew I wanted, never knew I needed... never knew I had...
I do have my head in the clouds and I like it.
03 September 2009
The Ruby Bracelet
Splash, split, split, splash. I heard the ironic liquid pool before I saw anything. But when my eyes opened they caught her dark ones fueled by pain, then moved over her face, glimpsed the dusting of freckles now moist, before gazing at her dark curtaining hair. But none of that shocked me more that seeing that... seeing the aura of black around her. With each slowly ticking second passing us by the pool of red grew deeper on the hardwood floors. But my eyes flew back to her eyes, so dark, so pained it was enough to knock the breath from my lonely lungs.
Split, split, splash. She looked down and my gaze followed hers to the ruby bracelet just beneath the gash and my eyes became hers and I saw as she saw: the hand reaching for the drawer, the fingers grasping the silver handle, the blade gleaming menacingly under the flickering fluorescent light. And I aged about a millennium within a second.
My eye lids began to droop, fatigue arresting my body. With every drop of her blood that fell my heart beat in answer. I could see her bloodied palm as she once again aimed at my heart, my mind raced but my body forgot how to fight. My heart beat louder shredding at its bindings. She moved forward and so did I, knowing how the knife would barrel through my heart and I was ready.
A split second was all it took, with a simple flick of her wrist she forced the blade through her own chest. And I crumpled to the ground, lying in the pool of blood that was my own. And I knew she would be fine as she sweetly sang: "silent night... holy night... all is calm... all is bright..." My breathing shallowed. I raised my left hand, bloodied and still clutching my murder weapon.
I heard the liquid pool before I saw anything. But her eyes now glowing and brown held mine... no they were mine. She is me and I am her and we're both as light as a feather. She saintly whispers: "I love you and goodbye, go because it is time to go".
Split, split, splash. She looked down and my gaze followed hers to the ruby bracelet just beneath the gash and my eyes became hers and I saw as she saw: the hand reaching for the drawer, the fingers grasping the silver handle, the blade gleaming menacingly under the flickering fluorescent light. And I aged about a millennium within a second.
My eye lids began to droop, fatigue arresting my body. With every drop of her blood that fell my heart beat in answer. I could see her bloodied palm as she once again aimed at my heart, my mind raced but my body forgot how to fight. My heart beat louder shredding at its bindings. She moved forward and so did I, knowing how the knife would barrel through my heart and I was ready.
A split second was all it took, with a simple flick of her wrist she forced the blade through her own chest. And I crumpled to the ground, lying in the pool of blood that was my own. And I knew she would be fine as she sweetly sang: "silent night... holy night... all is calm... all is bright..." My breathing shallowed. I raised my left hand, bloodied and still clutching my murder weapon.
I heard the liquid pool before I saw anything. But her eyes now glowing and brown held mine... no they were mine. She is me and I am her and we're both as light as a feather. She saintly whispers: "I love you and goodbye, go because it is time to go".
"Bambi"
As The Deer
You're my friend and you are my brother, even though you are a king. I love you more than any other, so much more than anything. -M.Nystrom
For JJ: thank you for being you.
I rememeber when everything was "because I'm king" and laugh each time you say "Linz you're just 'weak'". I love how you can take ordinary things and make it extra-ordinary and don't forget you built your own comfy couch 'cos you're just cool like that'.
I don't usually show my sisterly appreciation but I've come to learn that you are you and uniquely so. Thank you for being my 'little' brother.
(luv ya lots just like jelly tots)
You're my friend and you are my brother, even though you are a king. I love you more than any other, so much more than anything. -M.Nystrom
For JJ: thank you for being you.
I rememeber when everything was "because I'm king" and laugh each time you say "Linz you're just 'weak'". I love how you can take ordinary things and make it extra-ordinary and don't forget you built your own comfy couch 'cos you're just cool like that'.
I don't usually show my sisterly appreciation but I've come to learn that you are you and uniquely so. Thank you for being my 'little' brother.
(luv ya lots just like jelly tots)
rainy day women need to be - thats it
I hate that you've already made your mind up but then again that's how I feel, just my opinion, nothing questionable.
I think you talk just to fill the silence and I laugh because silence is golden and I want silver lined pockets.
"What's your story?" you ask and my smile, mischievous as always, sparks doubting thoughts inside your head. "I really don't know, haven't written it yet..." and truly I haven't.
"You have a healthy baby boy," the doc announces beaming brightly at you and me. "Have you picked out a name yet?" I nod, "He will be my little Procrastination Junior and he will grow to be just like his father..." and you smile because you're just that proud.
And I hate that you've already made up your mind, you want to teach him to play football and play the sax and its fine... for now. But you put off teaching him his 'ABC's' because they're so easy like '123' because his momma is taking care of him.
And I hate that in all of this I've allowed you to make up your mind and forgotten how to think in a way that is all my own.
I hate that you've already made your mind up but then again that is how I feel and thank god I have an opinion and its all questionable because its mine: thought up by me, myself and I.
And I don't care... so get gone and stay gone. Now my minds all made up.
I think you talk just to fill the silence and I laugh because silence is golden and I want silver lined pockets.
"What's your story?" you ask and my smile, mischievous as always, sparks doubting thoughts inside your head. "I really don't know, haven't written it yet..." and truly I haven't.
"You have a healthy baby boy," the doc announces beaming brightly at you and me. "Have you picked out a name yet?" I nod, "He will be my little Procrastination Junior and he will grow to be just like his father..." and you smile because you're just that proud.
And I hate that you've already made up your mind, you want to teach him to play football and play the sax and its fine... for now. But you put off teaching him his 'ABC's' because they're so easy like '123' because his momma is taking care of him.
And I hate that in all of this I've allowed you to make up your mind and forgotten how to think in a way that is all my own.
I hate that you've already made your mind up but then again that is how I feel and thank god I have an opinion and its all questionable because its mine: thought up by me, myself and I.
And I don't care... so get gone and stay gone. Now my minds all made up.
01 September 2009
"some will win, some will lose, some are born to sing the blues"
i smile at the sign tattoed on the bedroom wall, it says "Handle With Care", its bold letters shining in the mid-day sun. my heart screams out an audible: "please do" but i hope you don't hear it because i know better and whisper in your ear: "get rid of those rubber gloves". i'm not That fragile, but still shivers creep down my spine.
after its all said, its done, its over and its out i never feel empty anymore just hollow, like a hollowed-out pumpkin missing her shell.
am i ready to take the chance that my prince will never come?
i don't want them anymore, they're all yours... goodluck & goodbye
after its all said, its done, its over and its out i never feel empty anymore just hollow, like a hollowed-out pumpkin missing her shell.
am i ready to take the chance that my prince will never come?
i don't want them anymore, they're all yours... goodluck & goodbye
25 August 2009
quagmire of sorts
I’m the homebody your momma warned you about, standing sentinel staring at Death as he shakes his ‘life-grip’ at me
Disabled, in a bombers wheelchair going three-sixty in a trench-coat-only zone... “You haven’t beaten this subject to death; you’ve just got it in a coma.”
I’m back-broken and re-looking for nonsensical drama, got any?
The speed-dating company’s my biggest fan ‘cause I still haven’t found a man. Boy, oh boy. This seems disjointed, now it’s time to re-mantle my brain and make some cents.
The news is good but the bones are tired from being crushed by the hurricane you appear to be.
There’s nothing left to talk about yet we keep talking.
A hollowed-out body full of soul, fire and passion. My mission if I choose to accept is to handcuff you to me and throw away the key.
Disabled, in a bombers wheelchair going three-sixty in a trench-coat-only zone... “You haven’t beaten this subject to death; you’ve just got it in a coma.”
I’m back-broken and re-looking for nonsensical drama, got any?
The speed-dating company’s my biggest fan ‘cause I still haven’t found a man. Boy, oh boy. This seems disjointed, now it’s time to re-mantle my brain and make some cents.
The news is good but the bones are tired from being crushed by the hurricane you appear to be.
There’s nothing left to talk about yet we keep talking.
A hollowed-out body full of soul, fire and passion. My mission if I choose to accept is to handcuff you to me and throw away the key.
21 August 2009
killing me with a ballpoint pen
My heart not yet a whole, sort a match
“Who are you?”
“How do you do?”
A half now a whole...
A plea forced through lips
“I need you here, now and ever...”
And in this dream, shocking it may be
I see you and me: soul intertwined
The night was young:
An orange sunset, another memory;
How quickly happiness fades in the face of fear...
She sat, head in hands, hating herself... unable to
Breathe... she now knew...
Music calms the soul
Love calms the heart
He calms my body- fully
The waves lap at our feet
Surreal outer body,
Out of sight, out of mind,
Out... nowhere to be found
Clandestine arrivals
“Who are you?”
“How do you do?”
A half now a whole...
A plea forced through lips
“I need you here, now and ever...”
And in this dream, shocking it may be
I see you and me: soul intertwined
The night was young:
An orange sunset, another memory;
How quickly happiness fades in the face of fear...
She sat, head in hands, hating herself... unable to
Breathe... she now knew...
Music calms the soul
Love calms the heart
He calms my body- fully
The waves lap at our feet
Surreal outer body,
Out of sight, out of mind,
Out... nowhere to be found
Clandestine arrivals
19 August 2009
18 August 2009
whisper campaign
the innocence in her eyes spoke volumes.
he wanted what he shouldn't have.
her bottom lip felt moist, warm & just a little rough from her near-constant gnawing at it.
his fingers grazed her hair and an electric current shot straight from her to him.
and all was silent as they stood; as their eyes met...
he wanted what he shouldn't have.
her bottom lip felt moist, warm & just a little rough from her near-constant gnawing at it.
his fingers grazed her hair and an electric current shot straight from her to him.
and all was silent as they stood; as their eyes met...
15 August 2009
!!!
I’m stuck in a windowless room with the lights off staring at your face on a freight train...
This so totally sucks: why, why, why Delilah...
oh, sweetest composure...
That was a fad...
this is love... you are lust and I am fire...
caution signs are posted everywhere. If you want me beware.
It’s true what your morning paper said: friends do come and go...
it’s an indication of an altercation...
they wrote of love flowing from veins...
but you are written in my blood. Make me boil and burn from the inside out.
This so totally sucks: why, why, why Delilah...
oh, sweetest composure...
That was a fad...
this is love... you are lust and I am fire...
caution signs are posted everywhere. If you want me beware.
It’s true what your morning paper said: friends do come and go...
it’s an indication of an altercation...
they wrote of love flowing from veins...
but you are written in my blood. Make me boil and burn from the inside out.
with a thump & a splatter
I see him standing there staring at my face, the tears staining my cheeks as they mix with the red of my blush. I see him... with awe in his eyes. A light bulb clicks ‘on’ in my head: I love this man and really don’t care how much it’s gonna hurt. I see him looking at me, standing there with my heart in his hand... and I don’t care that he might crush it swiftly between his fingers.
In my head I see through his eyes: he sees my heart in his large palm, pumping the very blood now rushing to my face in overbearing amounts. He stares at the heart as it pumps, pumps, pumps my love for him. He stares at his hand and unknowingly turns his hand over so slowly. It’s like time hates us so much she just stopped moving with us.
Nooooo! No! No! My head aches, my stomach lurches. My heart stops pumping, pumping, pumping as it no longer beats in his hand. He sees the shock my eyes now own and turns away from my dead limp body, my heart lying in a pool of my own blood beside me.
This is going to hurt in the morning!
In my head I see through his eyes: he sees my heart in his large palm, pumping the very blood now rushing to my face in overbearing amounts. He stares at the heart as it pumps, pumps, pumps my love for him. He stares at his hand and unknowingly turns his hand over so slowly. It’s like time hates us so much she just stopped moving with us.
Nooooo! No! No! My head aches, my stomach lurches. My heart stops pumping, pumping, pumping as it no longer beats in his hand. He sees the shock my eyes now own and turns away from my dead limp body, my heart lying in a pool of my own blood beside me.
This is going to hurt in the morning!
12 August 2009
vandag sien ek!
today i see
i always thought i knew you,but found i only knew a facade. i dreamt you knew me, from the inside out, upside down, bottom to top. i took a journey to find me... each footstep took me closer to the radiance of you. today i saw two strangers walking hand in hand on opposite ends of a parallel line...today i see...today i see!
recycling is the way to go i believe...
i always thought i knew you,but found i only knew a facade. i dreamt you knew me, from the inside out, upside down, bottom to top. i took a journey to find me... each footstep took me closer to the radiance of you. today i saw two strangers walking hand in hand on opposite ends of a parallel line...today i see...today i see!
recycling is the way to go i believe...
30 July 2009
Original thought processing
with all new technologies right at our finger-tips, it is sort of hard to take a step back and think for ourselves. is it just me or have we no use for our noodles?
i would hate to be around when a thing as priceless as a book is no longer seen as a treasure... oops, i forgot... the dawn of that age already occured, i just didn't pay attention back then.
we've allowed things to be done for far too long now.
why is it that something as simple as which sandwich to order for lunch can delude us so?
can't we please go back a few decades and learn to appreciate the simple things in life?
when did it become okay to allow all of this and why wasn't i there to canvass against the inhumane way we now live.
don't get me wrong there are many benefits (that i'm not going to acknowledge right now).
am i just ranting and raving here for the fun of it?
MAKE A DECISION ALREADY!!!!
i would hate to be around when a thing as priceless as a book is no longer seen as a treasure... oops, i forgot... the dawn of that age already occured, i just didn't pay attention back then.
we've allowed things to be done for far too long now.
why is it that something as simple as which sandwich to order for lunch can delude us so?
can't we please go back a few decades and learn to appreciate the simple things in life?
when did it become okay to allow all of this and why wasn't i there to canvass against the inhumane way we now live.
don't get me wrong there are many benefits (that i'm not going to acknowledge right now).
am i just ranting and raving here for the fun of it?
MAKE A DECISION ALREADY!!!!
29 July 2009
just don't
don't crucify me for being me
don't expect apologies
I am me, so let me be
why won't you just love me and love me for me.
blinded, you blind sighted me
i long for my shroud of darkness your truths just aren't for me...
don't expect apologies
I am me, so let me be
why won't you just love me and love me for me.
blinded, you blind sighted me
i long for my shroud of darkness your truths just aren't for me...
hi y'all
please save me from mediocrity,
save me from all the worlds evils
tempt me away from exposure
please save me from... me!
save me from all the worlds evils
tempt me away from exposure
please save me from... me!
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